Confused about dating? Can’t catch a break? Are cobwebs accumulating on your special parts? This might be why: there is an irritating lack of transparency when men and women talk to each other. Everybody appears to be speaking in a kind of Morse Code for Dummies, tapping out their secrets between holiday-themed Starbucks lattes. Just as a guy having a “soul patch” (small scruff of facial hair below the lower lip) means he likes licking pussy and is good at it (don’t ask me how I know these things, I just know), so the many things we say to each other are representative of something else entirely.
Here’s a guide for the unprimed:
1. “I’m ready for a relationship” = “I think I might want a relationship but I have no way of knowing if it’s with you, because I don’t know you yet. In fact I may never allow myself to actually get to know you, because I have intimacy issues, but I know for sure that I want to fuck you, so I’m going to tell you what I think you want to hear.”
2. “I love cunnilingus” = “Meh.” Any guy who talks about going down on you should just shut up and do it; you could have licked my pussy twelve times already while you were talking about it. (The soul patch is a more reliable indicator.)
3. When a woman says, “Size doesn’t matter” = “I prefer a monster cock but I don’t want to admit it,” or “I’m not likely to fall for a guy with the world’s most stellar personality and a micro-penis.”
4. When a woman says, “I’m a cougar” = “I’m all talk.” Very few women self-identify as cougars, it’s more often a term young men use optimistically that someone might be horny enough to throw them a bone, despite the fact that they still have acne and live at home.
5. When a twentysomething guy says “You’re so beautiful/hot/sexy” = You might be all those things, but “I am so horny I would put my dick in a hole in a tree stump.”
6. “Can we take a break?” = “The relationship is probably not going to work, but I can’t bear the thought of never having sex with you again, so I’m going to put it off until I get horny enough to put up with your bullshit.”
7. When a woman says “I came” = “I don’t know if I came, I may just be telling you that to make you and myself feel better.” (If I came, I won’t have to tell you, you’ll notice the bloody scratch marks in your back.)
8. “I’m not dating right now” = “I’m still in love with the last asshole.”
9. “I have feelings for you” = “I love fucking you.”
10. The only words YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST are the user names on dating profiles (I swear the following were real when I was still on OKStupid) “Gross Idiot,” “Mr. Bunghole” “Pure Stupid” or “Fart Lord;” you can take them at their word, they definitely are.*