I wanted you guys to be the first to know. Despite all I’ve reported to you, the fucking, the sucking and assorted other fun/questionable behaviors, I’ve been in a long term relationship forever, we just weren’t exclusive. This soulmate sat patiently by and watched me do what I needed to, to get past the marriage, then to experience the “relationships” that followed and then get “over” fucking twenty-seven-year-olds who still live at home. So much patience with my process; how could I not want to marry her at last? Really I was just waiting for her to ask, and she finally did, and there is a ring (not nearly as fancy as the first one) and a ceremony will follow. It might be private (unlike almost anything else in my life) but perhaps I can describe it for you when the time comes, because the last thing I want is for you to feel like you weren’t invited. I live in a town where many of the women are blonde and bitchy (not always at the same time) so I know what it is to feel excluded…
Before you get excited about some hot girl on girl action- believe it or not sometimes men find that exciting–and women too if the studies on what porn women are watching are to be believed–our union is spiritual in nature. This is because only one of us is a person and the other is what I might call an “entity” or a “presence” or a “being” whom I choose to call “she” but could really identify as any gender at all, or one not even invented yet. The closest thing to it can probably be found in the “hermaphrodite” section of porn hub, someone who is both sexes at once. In case you haven’t figured it out, I am talking metaphorically about my own soul. Well, duh. (This would be the time when some of you might like to switch over to that nice mommy blog that has great gluten-free salad recipes for the holidays.)
Lest you think I am disappearing up my own ass consider this- how is your relationship with yourself today? You are going to spend the rest of your life on earth dealing with your own shit- thoughts, feelings, behaviors- many of which no one else will ever get to see, how is your kinship with that person you spend 24 fucking hours of every day with? Do you tolerate yourself like the annoying uncle at family dinners who says racist shit and mispronounces words your ten-year-old has no trouble with? Or do you despise yourself, more than the uncle even, like someone who doesn’t measure up to who and what you wanted to be? And considering you will be with yourself until you last draw breath (and have been from the start) isn’t this relationship not only fairly important but the most important one you will ever have? Isn’t it time you made a commitment to you? Don’t be so fucking love avoidant- take a risk and dive in. I swear the water gets warmer after the initial shock.
As a young person in my teens and twenties I was full of ego and self-loathing in almost equal measure. I had no trouble getting onstage to do stand-up in the roughest venues and standing up (maybe that’s why they call it that) to anyone who fucked with me, but I also allowed outside forces to dictate much of my esteem. This included how dudes felt about me, what jobs I was doing and whether or not you liked me. Well, all these years later, one out of three ain’t bad…
I can’t imagine giving much of a fuck what people think which I guess is a by-product of turning forty or something. I used to live and die by your opinion but though I am still sensitive, emotional and prone to spiraling depression, it’s not going to be over whether or you “like” me. So that’s a win.
Booking jobs is trickier- at this juncture I still haven’t discovered what’s next in that arena, though stay tuned for a podcast or two to start up again soon. And maybe strippograms? Not sure yet. Probably not going to be looking over at what the other strippogramers are doing though. No point. Doesn’t even matter whose tits are nicer- it’s a roll of the dice either way. Sometimes the phone vibrates and sometimes it doesn’t- you do the footwork and the opportunities appear eventually. Either way, not going to lose love over it for that special someone (me).
The dudes are still a challenge, G-d love ’em. No one can ever accuse me of being a man hater- I am a connoisseur of men, being one to sniff, taste, swish but then forget to spit. I am working through the tendency to become way attached too quickly, trying to get to the source of it all (is that you daddy? Thanks for dropping by- you can go back to the past where you belong now) but I do want to love and be loved and guess what? It begins right here inside- soul on soul contact with your own essence. Yummy yum yum. So hot. And that’s why I’m getting married. Eventually. Right now I’m just really enjoying the engagement. Marveling at how lovable I’ve been all along, and trying not to be sad that it took me so long to see it. I was so blind but my soul’s love was there all along. And let me tell ya- if I can love me- anyone can learn to love themselves. Absolutely fucking anyone.