A Rocky Engagement

Holidays can be stressful and sometimes relationships just exacerbate it. Even as a relationship can improve your holiday season, in a fun, flirty, co-dependent way, like “Thank G-d we don’t have to be alone for the holidays, huh honey? Look at all the poor single plebs trying to get some action at the Christmas parties. More dairy-free hot chocolate with non-GMO marshmallows, sweetie?” Or at least that’s how smug I was when I was a married. Smuggidy smug smug, if I recall, for almost fourteen years. Well I’m paying now. Quid pro quo motherfuckers. Who’s smug now?

Being newly engaged to myself (in case you missed it) it’s been such a short time and we are already struggling. “Trouble in paradise? In Malibu, where the happy couple is lucky enough to reside? In your ex-husband’s garage with no bathroom, but still an ocean view? If you cannot make it work, who can?” I hear you lament. I know you were all so happy for us, just as I am so genuinely happy every time someone else takes to Facebook to announce their relationship or engagement. “Oh, look,” I turn to my partner (me), “Someone else has found that special someone… isn’t life grand?”

Sometimes I don’t think my significant other gets sarcasm, until she feels me throwing up in our mouth.

You see, even when you are engaged to yourself, things get complicated. Communication gets spotty, words and feelings are misconstrued, and before you know it, things are at the very least heavy, and at worst, there is abuse. That’s right. I just admitted it. Sometimes I abuse myself, and yet… I’m in lerv y’all. I just bumped into a doorknob, I swear. Silly me, I’m so clumsy. But who among us has not in some way abused ourselves, if only by gorging on too many latkes, until not only does the belt have to be undone a few notches, but removed altogether? Is this not a form of prandial abuse?

In the last few days I have come close to calling off the engagement, but I’m just in too deep, Kardashian-style. We haven’t started our registry yet, but I still feel so much pressure. I hope I can make it down the aisle and past 52 days (or whatever it was, I am not Googling that person ever) because on many days I want to say to my partner, “Fuck you! I hate you and I always have. Quit shadowing me, and let me breathe. Leave me alone, so I can go back to getting my self-worth out of the tip of a penis.” The dilemma is-when you are stuck with yourself, where else can you go?

So many challenges when it comes to dating yourself at holiday time. For example, gift giving: how do you surprise yourself? Or staying faithful, I mean sure I consummate the relationship with myself on the regular, but good G-d damn I miss that touch of other human flesh sometimes. And my fiancée knows it, and is jealous, but powerless to stop my longing. Just gently reminds me daily to pray and meditate and look inward, keep sourcing myself for light and power. Yeah, yeah, okay honey, I reassure her, rolling my eyes, and quietly checking our menstrual calender app. (Bitches be so emotional.) I’m confused by not making my partners G-d anymore. Who is going to tell me what to do?

To be honest I said “yes” to the engagement because it was all so damn romantic and now look- I can’t even flirt with another because not only is it disrespectful to have emotional affairs on your lover, but because I WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I want to see what happens when I take all of it away- the casual sex, the relationships with unavailable men, the seductiveness with people who sell me juice. Who am I without all that? I don’t know about you, but my fiancée and I are dying to find out…

Me and the fiancée or is that the fiancée and I?
Me and the fiancée or is that the fiancée and I?


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