Your New Year’s Gift is ready, smokin’ hot to warm your cockles (what are cockles anyway?) “The MILF Code” with my first guest Ron Jeremy. Theme music by the inimitable Craig Stuart Garfinkle. You can listen by clicking HERE, and don’t forget to subscribe HERE. Read the words first, or read while you listen, a sort of non-PG follow the bouncing ball… it’s up to you, because 2015 is your year!
To start off, Ron Jeremy introduces me to his German porn star/dancer/roommate, then he wants me to kiss her (guess if I do?) then he tries to get me to show them both my tit (not happening.) This becomes a recurring theme. I mean has Ron Jeremy not seen enough tits? Then my esteemed guest starts giving me what he says will be a non-sexual massage, but gets too distracted to answer questions. Then he starts tickling me (watch out for sudden volume spikes) and there is a perfect Kafka/Kauffman-esque moment where he is telling me there is nothing wrong with the porn business as I’m getting progressively more grossed out with the “massage” even though I have all my clothes on. We adjourn to the other room to start talking about MILFs vs. Barely Legal, what his family thinks about porn, and why he never had kids. Also if he ever felt like the “gift” was all he had going for him.
Ron Jeremy says he is a “pack-rat” but not a “hoarder” and also admits his biggest addiction (which may or may not surprise you.) He talks about his popularity vs. Jenna Jameson’s (all the while still trying to get me to show him my boob) then about the need for chaperones for rock stars and porn actors, capping it off with a story about a porn star on party drug GHB. We ascertain that I am kinkier than he is and he calls me “the female Ron Jeremy” which better be a quote for my next book! Ever wondered if porn stars watch porn? Well here’s your chance to answer that question, plus whether you can fuck your way into a career in Hollywood.
We talk about Hollywood roasts and how his life changed after his aortic aneurism in 2012, which leads him to reminisce about ex-girlfriends. We then start Googling Ron’s first ex-girlfriend (she’s in his book), which he’s never done because he has a flip phone and doesn’t go online. We discuss the future of the world is it pertains to being a neo-Luddite, conspiracy theories on 9/11 and then Ron tells me a never before publically shared story about Larry Flynt’s daughter Theresa Flynt. He rounds it out with a harmonica performance, including “Waltzing Matilda,” for my former Australian homeland.
Ron Jeremy- Renaissance Man, poet, cocksman, and jester. He is a dichotomy- brash yet insecure, endowed with more than most men, yet needy, a filthy perv who is also a sincerely great friend. I was glad I got to meet him, even though I am probably never going to show him my tits.