Nun ‘Til April

So I’m playing this game. It’s a game lots of guys play inadvertently all the time except it probably doesn’t feel like a game to them, more like being “hard up”. The game is called “I’m not going to date for a while.”

When you’re an attractive, virile woman (wait, what?) it is culturally mandated that you follow the romance obsessed culture and pair up with a suitably heighted suitor. I haven’t been into romantic comedies for a while, but at some point they must have infected me with their bullshit premise, because I too believed I wouldn’t be okay without my “one.” He may not have arrived on a horse, but I bought the entire thing, down to the huge Valentine’s Day craft projects I used to make for my ex-husband, probably at the expense of using my creative gifts to make actual money.

So on the guidance of someone I trust, I am focusing only on myself (trust me it’s a full time job.) Also my kids, bless their needy little hearts. Furniture purchases become important. Laundry is key. Showers take on new meaning. Masturbating is encouraged (either in bed, with the showerhead or just sitting on the washing machine.) I had the flu this week (that’s why there was no podcast this week- but you should all listen to the Felicia Michaels one, it is SO good!) Life is a lot to manage even minus a dick to wrangle.

You’ve heard of the craze in cleanses, well I’m on a penis cleanse. I’ve even stopped flirting, and within a week had an almost entirely new stand-up act and the desire to perform it. Shows ya how much energy I was throwing out there all day long. And for what? To get a hit? Of what? Attention? Okay. Sophomoric, but I get it. I forgive myself. I needed the validation, I craved it, it’s a little disgusting but there it is. I was so nun-like in the marriage, afraid to even be kind to a guy in case he took it the wrong way, perhaps the pendulum had to swing the other way?

I hope that pendulum is coming further into the middle now because something to do with physics moving an object in space, and also Buster Keaton hanging onto a clock. Because although I purport to be completely honest, and I am, there are things I omit here. Sometimes you would never believe, even if I told you, just how death defying this journey has been. And though I don’t say it much, while I am holding on for dear life, how much I appreciate knowing you are with me, daring me to climb down off the ledge and write another day…

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