What Does A Sex Writer Write About When She’s Not Having Sex?

Why that’s a very good question, I’m so glad I posed it to myself. I am not strictly speaking a sex writer, more of a funny bitch who happens to also love writing about, talking about and mostly doing sex. However, as a self-protective measure I have recently embarked on a Penis CleanseTM. You’ve heard of a juice cleanse, well this is like that but cheaper. (I’m sure Gwyneth will be recommending it shortly, just as soon as she’s finished steaming her V, but remember I trademarked it first.)

Dear G-d it’s been a long time since I’ve had sex. Months. I know some people go years but even though I am very busy with the podcast, and comedy, and the kids, and writing for other publications (notice the subtle self-promotion there) I am starting to climb. The. Walls. Good lord, people. Managing and containing your own energy is hard. Not HARD like that, Jesus you dirty-minded freaks. Oh wait, that was me…

I almost called this post “Ex- Slut Seeks Platonic Friends” which does have a nice ring to it, but I don’t even want male friends right now. I am not going to be too specific except to say I am engaged in some pretty heavy trauma therapy, and am not accepting applications. Especially more guys who are just pretending to be my friends, so they can eventually move in for the fuck. No. No fucks. No fucks given. In every sense.

It is so frustrating to be so productive, creative and empowered. It is annoying being such a devoted and checked-in mom, ugh, I barely recognize myself. Look, I have always had some strengths as a mom, but equally have been at times waylaid by other things. Like dicks. And sometimes vaginas. Most of all, and even while I was still married, by my outsized emotions which if they had a tempo, would have run at around 960 BPM, which for all you freaky club kids means techno speedcore.

As I rev my nervous system to a nice Dubstep, and work on resolving a little trauma (not that little, I have minimized it with humor like most other things) I am nevertheless… how to put it delicately… EXTREMELY FUCKING HORNY. My mom friends and I were talking about sex over dinner while our kids played outside and let’s just say we might all be coming in unison in our separate homes tonight (not on Skype, G-d you guys are filthy. Nope, just me again.) One of my friends has a guy who is out of town, the other is single and focused on herself, and now that the kids have been asleep a good long while, I can barely finish typing this before I rush to bed to have my way with mysel

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