1. Guys with ponytails, or a man-bun. This is a problem for me as I’m attracted to men with long hair, but probably give them a miss unless you’re into pegging.
2. Anyone in the “dating coach” field- The. Worst. They have spent years teaching other impressionable dudes “tricks” on how to lure us, hook us, and reel us in like we’re carp in a bra – swim away quickly.
3. Guys who hate their moms.
4. Guys who are overly involved with their moms. Any guy over 12 whose mom is his best friend, um no.
5. Men with beards. They’re hiding something.
6. Men over 50. Say it with me “Ba-ggage.” I know people see women over 40 as having baggage but that’s not always true. I had baggage at 15. I have less now because I’ve spent 25 years looking at that shit in therapy. I have never met a guy in his 50s who was capable of change.
7. Heterosexual men who are into “men’s groups” that go off once a month to drink beer, white water raft and cry in the moonlight with other men. I’m sorry you believe your masculinity has been stolen from you by clawing feminists, but once again, I suspect mommy issues.
8. Gay men who claim they’re bi. Trust me, sucking dick is not a phase.
9. Boys or grown men who appear, disappear and re-appear, then act like nothing happened, unless you’re dating David Blaine.
10. Guys with kids- you will always be a distant fourth priority behind the kid(s), work (to pay for alimony) and fanning the flames of his smoldering resentment against the previous wives.
11. Men who warn you up front that they have “issues.” They’re not speaking in code- they’re warning you with the one decent cell in their otherwise Satanic bodies to save yourself before you descend into the fiery pit of hell.
12. Guys who seem like they’re auditioning you. If you feel like you’re being weighed, measured and judged by someone overly critical, even if they’re not saying it out loud, your instincts are correct. Wish them luck finding “the perfect woman” and go audition for someone who can give you an actual job.
13. Guys with constant, recurring physical complaints – unless you’re already married to them you do not want to wade into this do you? Their bodies are trying to get their attention about something in the psyche and they are ignoring it. Similarly, if you start to have weird physical symptoms that begin suddenly with someone new, you might be allergic to them. (Unless they are in a wheel chair. Then go for it.)
14. Guys who are rude to waiters.
15. Guys that invalidate your dreams and desires by trying to place their own ideas on what you should be doing with your life. I was already married once, if I want an opinion I’ll ask my ex-husband- at least he actually loved me.
16. “Cool” guys. For G-d’s sake, don’t be cool. The only cool guys are the uncool ones.
17. Men who have experienced major career failure and never processed it – they are bitter, jaded and will seek to kill what they failed at in you.
18. Dudes that come on really strong, push for sex even when you say you’re not ready and (coincidentally) pull back once they get it. You already dated that dude in high school so now you don’t have to, yay!
19. Guys whose dicks have problems the more you enjoy yourself – a secure man is not intimidated by a woman who loves sex as much as he does- if your orgasms don’t turn him on, he might be the kind that screams his own name during sex.
20. Guys who try to pick you up on Facebook. Tacky and no.
21. Men with commitment issues, anxiety, or depression who are not in therapy, a 12 step program or working on themselves spiritually. Common sense dictates they will be bigger and bigger assholes with each passing year. Enjoy!
This leaves… basically no one to date other than guys that smoke, drink and hit you. I want to know who you think is “undateable”?
*I’m not a “relationship expert,” all this is just my opinion and/or me exaggerating for comic effect. Also, I’m aware that I possess more than one “undateable” trait, so dudes with some of the above might have other qualities that compensate.