21 Types of Guys You Should Never Date*

1. Guys with ponytails, or a man-bun. This is a problem for me as I’m attracted to men with long hair, but probably give them a miss unless you’re into pegging.
2. Anyone in the “dating coach” field- The. Worst. They have spent years teaching other impressionable dudes “tricks” on how to lure us, hook us, and reel us in like we’re carp in a bra – swim away quickly.
3. Guys who hate their moms.
4. Guys who are overly involved with their moms. Any guy over 12 whose mom is his best friend, um no.
5. Men with beards. They’re hiding something.
6. Men over 50. Say it with me “Ba-ggage.” I know people see women over 40 as having baggage but that’s not always true. I had baggage at 15. I have less now because I’ve spent 25 years looking at that shit in therapy. I have never met a guy in his 50s who was capable of change.
7. Heterosexual men who are into “men’s groups” that go off once a month to drink beer, white water raft and cry in the moonlight with other men. I’m sorry you believe your masculinity has been stolen from you by clawing feminists, but once again, I suspect mommy issues.
8. Gay men who claim they’re bi. Trust me, sucking dick is not a phase.
9. Boys or grown men who appear, disappear and re-appear, then act like nothing happened, unless you’re dating David Blaine.
10. Guys with kids- you will always be a distant fourth priority behind the kid(s), work (to pay for alimony) and fanning the flames of his smoldering resentment against the previous wives.
11. Men who warn you up front that they have “issues.” They’re not speaking in code- they’re warning you with the one decent cell in their otherwise Satanic bodies to save yourself before you descend into the fiery pit of hell.
12. Guys who seem like they’re auditioning you. If you feel like you’re being weighed, measured and judged by someone overly critical, even if they’re not saying it out loud, your instincts are correct. Wish them luck finding “the perfect woman” and go audition for someone who can give you an actual job.
13. Guys with constant, recurring physical complaints – unless you’re already married to them you do not want to wade into this do you? Their bodies are trying to get their attention about something in the psyche and they are ignoring it. Similarly, if you start to have weird physical symptoms that begin suddenly with someone new, you might be allergic to them. (Unless they are in a wheel chair. Then go for it.)
14. Guys who are rude to waiters.
15. Guys that invalidate your dreams and desires by trying to place their own ideas on what you should be doing with your life. I was already married once, if I want an opinion I’ll ask my ex-husband- at least he actually loved me.
16. “Cool” guys. For G-d’s sake, don’t be cool. The only cool guys are the uncool ones.
17. Men who have experienced major career failure and never processed it – they are bitter, jaded and will seek to kill what they failed at in you.
18. Dudes that come on really strong, push for sex even when you say you’re not ready and (coincidentally) pull back once they get it. You already dated that dude in high school so now you don’t have to, yay!
19. Guys whose dicks have problems the more you enjoy yourself – a secure man is not intimidated by a woman who loves sex as much as he does- if your orgasms don’t turn him on, he might be the kind that screams his own name during sex.
20. Guys who try to pick you up on Facebook. Tacky and no.
21. Men with commitment issues, anxiety, or depression who are not in therapy, a 12 step program or working on themselves spiritually. Common sense dictates they will be bigger and bigger assholes with each passing year. Enjoy!

This leaves… basically no one to date other than guys that smoke, drink and hit you. I want to know who you think is “undateable”?
*I’m not a “relationship expert,” all this is just my opinion and/or me exaggerating for comic effect. Also, I’m aware that I possess more than one “undateable” trait, so dudes with some of the above might have other qualities that compensate.

20 comments

  1. Quite possibly the most authentic to the point article on tips (CLUES) about who not be in a relationship with. Of course there’s exceptions and more that could be added, but learn from the reality of these points, find the humor and most of all… get your game on for the type of person you want to be in a relationship with. Bravo Brisk, Bravo. Disclaimer: Don’t take yourself too seriously if one of these applies.

      • Unfortunately, no, but total respect re: no private contact form. I can only imagine the avalanche of stuff you’d receive.

        And, for your 1/12 post on the Laundry just have to say some of those were itemized perfection

      • Hahaha thanks. It’s not an avalanche but it gets a tad overwhelming. As long as people are reading, I’m always more amenable to respond than just whacked out, random approaches from people who would never talk to you that way in real life. Hiding behind a keyboard really brings out the asshole in some people…

  2. a repost of my Facebook rebuttal
    signed, the faithful minion
    Astounded! Change or the illusion of it. Most people, regardless of gender, never truly change, they may find a new religion, or discard one, process things differently, modify certain behaviors, due to necessity or redefined by limitations set forth by age, income and law. However, true and lasting change is a rarity and when it does happen it is usually does due to some catastrophic and/or monumental personal event. Severed limbs, kidnapped and raped, stage 4 cancer, war….
    That said, change is category in which ( generaly speaking) men and women differ when “evaluating” partner material. Most men, at least those I know, including myself, do not seek to change or hope for change in our partners. We simply decide if we can live with it or not live with it, if whatever that is, if it is acceptable, tolerable. Seeking change is not in the male equation, rather our ability to accept is our yardstick. Many women believe in charge or try to manifest change in the men they date and/or marry and it is a lost cause, because, as previously stated, it is not just men over 50 it is most people who cannot change. Quite insulting actually, The men who try and change, better stated “mold” their women, are the same men that seek trophy wives or girlfriends, the same kind of shallow turds that want their wife or girlfriend to get breast implants. they do not seek love or companionship, they seek sex partners and arm ornaments.
    I guess men are simple creatures, at least I am, my “list “is a short list concerning qualities that I seek in a woman, Certainly there must be a sexual chemistry and attraction ( mutual felt) but as for her attributes, it is a short list; honesty, integrity, compassion, intelligence and a sense or humor.
    I apologize for the length post, but as a man over 50, I felt it imperative to post a rebuttal.

    • Love it thank you so much for reposting here. I really appreciate you taking all the time to read and respond. Almost makes me reconsider my position on guys over 50 😉 I get your point about checking out whether you can deal with “what is” as opposed to trying to change someone, but if someone (male or female) has issues that have crystallized over time or prejudices about how something is “supposed” to be, or are just commitment phobic, it would be nice to see an effort even from the not-so-young to work on those things, if the chemistry etc. is there. For some reason I think of women as more willing to be flexible but that’s just my experience. Sometimes I think in Los Angeles we all have way too many choices, or think we do, but people are not interchangeable. But what would I know? Outside of the written word, sometimes in relationships my communication skills are on par with those of a four-year-old.

      • Hi.
        You make me reconsider my position on women over 35 and in the program. Ha.
        I am struggling to figure out all the bells and whistles on here. I just found your replies to my posts, hence, the delay in my response. I have made a great deal of changes in my life and I continue to evolve, much more now, yes at my age, than my younger days. It is more of want than a need today and that too is a change in my perspective. I am hard wired in some regards, I lack patience and compassion and I am inherently selfish, however, I am aware of these flaws and I have and do work on being a kinder and more generous human being and that is no small fucking task. Like you, I crawled out of addiction and now I have over 20 years of learning to walk upright without fear and minimal resentments, that too was a long and slow crawl. So, I do not avoid change but I have very little tolerance for petty agendas or cruel minds or dishonesty.
        I enjoy your posts very much, you have a brilliant and quick mind, a wicked sense of humor and much intelligence and do not censor your words, which is both courageous and a bit insane. I think, based on pure speculation, that you will eventually settle into your own skin and not obsess a great deal about the maddening behavior of my gender, we are quite simple and idiotic beings with much hubris and ego.
        I don’t think we can have it all but I have come to understand that we do not need it all either. Joy is metered in breaths, not days or years. But what the fuck do I know?
        I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
        I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob…
        😺

      • I don’t reply in a timely manner sometimes when overwhelm grounds me, and I want to do your replies justice. 1. Don’t discount women over 35 in the program, we’ve worked a lot on ourselves and some of us are grateful when we find a good one who respects boundaries but also has an edge. 2. Change is hard for 99% of people, I guess I just expect a lot in that area because I tend to associate with people who are super conscious and able to check themselves. 3. Every day is such a battle for me, I am suspicious of those for whom life is just an easy matter of showing up. Scratch the part about every day, I meant every breath. Hope you keep writing…

  3. I dated a guy for six years who wanted me to grow my arm pit hair and if I shaved at all he wouldn’t talk to me for days, he also wanted me to grow my toe nails and even bought me some hideous open toed green shoes to show them off with. I put up with this controlling behaviour until we went to a wedding and I wore a gorgeous dress ( I wasn’t going to let it down by my extremely hairy underarms, so I shaved them off) it didn’t go down well and he basically ruined the wedding by calling me a slut for ‘ pleasing everyone else’ and being a drunken arsehole. Anyway, years later, I’ve lasered them off, I didn’t want any other prick to tell me what to do with them. Freedom is what’s its all about.

  4. Wasn’t able to hit reply directly to your last, but yes: definitley familiar with the “krazed keyboard kommando” and all that they bring, while they would never act that way in person; some kind of weird, modern-tech Jekyll/Hyde action…

    ….or just assholes…!

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