10 Questions To Ask Before You Lay*

1. Are you discreet, or is this going to be on Twitter tomorrow?

2. Are you kinky? What Sex Number are you? I’ve devised a numerical scale for this HERE.

3. What are your expectations once we do the fuck- specifically what kind of contact will you want/need to feel safe/comfortable? (For me a text the next day is minimal courtesy, unless you’re looking for a relationship in which case there is already be a pattern of calling/texting established before you get down to it. Hopefully it won’t change too much once he gets his dick wet, but frankly I’m not optimistic.)

4. When was the last time you had sex and how was it? (If it was bad- beware. Bad sex=bad pizza i.e. still good.)

5. When was the last time you got tested for adult diseases, and I don’t mean the flu?

6. Have you recently had the flu? (Takes longer to get rid of than Chlamydia.)

5. a. Do you have any STD or STI that can be transmitted by oral, even if we are otherwise safe?
b. Are we doing oral, seeing as I don’t know your last name?
c. On a side note, can anyone on earth give a good blow job with a condom, or orally pleasure a Saran Wrapped vagina?

6. Are we Facebook friends and if so are you going to harass me after this, should I block you in advance, or are you going to get weird and block me for some obscure reason that’s going to make me annoyed with myself for sleeping with you?

7. Do we have people in common who are going to create problems for us if we do this? (i.e.- business relationships, former in-laws, or just weird next time I pull up at the gas station and you check my tires. #mechanics #bluecollar #getintoit)

8. Am I staying the night or driving home in the perilous sleet so I don’t have to wake up with you? (Not in California but still- distance.)

9. Can you read? (Maybe this question should be higher up. I do love a sex partner who can actually, you know, read.)

10. How do you like to be touched? (I had a partner who used to touch me softly with spider fingers even after I told him over months and years that it made me want to douse myself in insect repellant. He never listened. Hopefully you and your one night stand can be more responsive.)

*that’s a subjunctive mood, motherfucker what?


  1. Cannot stop laughing at this!

    I’ll even hazard to guess that Carlin, man of a thousand lists to live by, would thoroughly approve!

    Also willing to guess the answer to 5c is, alas, no.

    But yes, think 9 often needs to be higher up — sometimes the advance stuff needs homework in addition to classwork

  2. Your lists so perfectly capture all the unspoken stuff that needs to be looked at, even though they’re written from the perspective of a woman frustrated with guys who are a mis-fire, they work really well the other way too — so thanks for the public service! 🙂

  3. I would only add one other question, do this rather intricate list. That question would be:

    Are we sure this is a good idea?

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