10 Reasons Not To Kill Yourself 

1. Coffee. If you’re off coffee, this explains your desire to die. Rectify this immediately- smell it, taste it, feel it go down your throat… it’s a legal, healthy and socially acceptable way to get high! 

2. Family members/kids/pets. Yeah, yeah they’d miss you if you were gone, but that may be redundant with how you feel right now. Use it as a way to feel virtuous for all the people for whom you continue with this shitshow called life. Feeling virtuous- now there’s something to live for. 

3. Count days off something. If you’re sober count that, one day off calling someone you know is bad for you, count it, if you didn’t eat junk food in a week, give yourself an internal pat on the back. Haven’t had a cigarette in years? Acknowledge ad nauseum. To understand how others are doing with their addictions, just turn on the TV and behold the numbed out cuckoos who are not even close to finding out who they are. I’m not asking you to be “grateful” in the 12 Step vein, just acknowledge yourself to be perverse. 

4. Write down 10 good things you did RIGHT today, continue to 20, or 30 until you’re feeling it. Do it before bed and wake up in that instead of the soup of invalidation you went to sleep in. This will remind you why you don’t need to be dead- you are always doing better than your brain is reporting. 

5. As long as you choose to live, you get another day to try a new therapy, medication, philosophy or methodology. Every time I think I have tried literally everything, I find something new (EMDR! Somatic therapy! BDSM!) Brilliant, transcendent people have come before us in the world and in the age of the Internet you will find them and life will not feel as lonely as it does right at this moment. 

6. You literally have no idea if something great is just about to happen to you, so remind yourself of this next time something great happens like “Wow, I really didn’t see that coming.” Even if it’s a year from now, if you’re as much of a depressive as I am, you may not be glad you didn’t die, but you may be moved to tears that you made it. This is not “thinking positive.” “Thinking positive” can suck it. 

7. Yoga. Find it. If money is an issue get it online. Your own breath is the most powerful reason to remember to live, except in the morning before you brush your teeth. Then you can add “your breath” to the “Reasons To Die” list.

8. You can’t let those fuckers win. Killing yourself “at” someone doesn’t work, because you’re not around to see it. The greatest revenge is staying alive after someone has left you for dead. Try using your anger to propel you through your days. Until you find a more efficient fuel, “fuck you”s can fill the tank.  

9. You’re going to die anyway. It’s not like it’s an impossible goal to take the final dirt nap; you’ll get there, just slow down killer. 

10. You will have sex again and it will be spectacular. Look, maybe it’s just me, but sex cures a lot of my problems. I know there’s a program for that, nevertheless I continue to believe in the power of sex to heal us. If it’s not appropriate or possible for you to get any at the moment, I get it. But rest assured, if you apply yourself or even if you don’t, it will likely happen again. And when it does you will release a thousand different demons in what the French call “le petit mort,” which will remind you that the “little death” beats the shit out of the big one. 

2 comments

  1. Forwarding and Saving this! Thanks for posting that

    #1 also has the virtue of giving a little extra bit of centering because everyone can shape it exactly how they want it, whether loaded with enough sugar to paralyze an elephant, or plain and simple, it literally helps the mind: I want it this way — and if I don’t like it, I’ll switch it this other way, and it will be good

  2. […] 1. Dopamine – the other big D, you need both in you. Sex creates that special chemical that makes your brain feel everything is going to be just dandy. You can also get it by masturbating – the reward system you activate in the brain actually motivates you to make positive changes in your life, promising you more goodness is coming. 2. Touch – if you don’t get any, you start to feel like a Romanian orphan. Studies show that we humans need other humans to lay hands on us, especially if we didn’t get it in our formative years. Sometimes you have to stop looking for that perfect opportunity, and accept the touch of those willing to give it. 3. Negotiation – the power of consent. Nothing teaches you better skills of negotiation, communication and expression than asking for what you want in the bedroom (or the dungeon.) Therapy is good, as are 12 Step Programs and Neuro Linguistic Programming, but there is nothing quite like looking someone in the eye and being completely honest about what turns you on. 4. Connection – the greatest advice given to suicidal people is always to “reach out.” Feelings of aloneness go a long way to making people feel no one will miss them if they are gone. While it is unwise to rely on casual sex partners to make one feel loved, sometimes a random (safe) hookup can remind you that closeness is possible. And what better way to show that you are there for yourself than rubbing one out in your lunch hour? 5. Spontaneity – being responsibly “irresponsible” can be the ideal way to jog yourself out of a rut. Because depression can lower your sex drive, sometimes you have to force yourself to take a sexual opportunity, whether in a couple or not, to remind yourself you don’t always know how your current situation will pan out. 6. Medicinal – Besides Dopamine,sex produces so many fabulous chemicals in the brain it should be considered medicine, right alongside the anti-depressants the medical establishment is all too happy to give out! Think of that next time you feel any shame about giving yourself yet another orgasm – it’s just Doctor’s Orders. 7. Free – There is no shame in paying for sex (while I am aware this is illegal in many places) but giving yourself an orgasm can be done completely free of charge, especially if you are lucky enough to have someone do it for you. If you have challenges involving the use of your limbs, consider learning how to “think off.” Tantric practices can help you have orgasms in places like your throat or solar plexus, and the information can be found HERE. 8. Empowering – the notion of putting sex on some “special” pedestal belies its usefulness as a utilitarian feel-better tool. Learning to think of sex and masturbation as normal, necessary parts of life just like eating, drinking water and sleeping, can make you feel better when sometimes ya just let yourself enjoy the the fucking-equivalent of pizza. 9. Education – becoming a sex nerd is one of the most fun by-products of the Internet age. If you’re not doing it, just reading and learning about sex can make you feel better! Also it reduces the mystical aspect, thus making it more possible you will be able to actually accomplish the act again at some point. 10. Satisfaction – As someone who has struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for almost my whole life, I feel qualified to tell you that sometimes a successful day can be measured simply by whether or not you managed to have an orgasm. While conventional wisdom wants all of us Serotonin-challenged people to soldier on with a stiff upper lip, in my radical worldview it is far better to allow or even force oneself to loll around in bed with someone, or alone, as a means of restoring one’s faith in life. In the throes of contraction don’t forget to remind yourself how much better this is than the alternative… […]

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