1. Coffee. If you’re off coffee, this explains your desire to die. Rectify this immediately- smell it, taste it, feel it go down your throat… it’s a legal, healthy and socially acceptable way to get high!
2. Family members/kids/pets. Yeah, yeah they’d miss you if you were gone, but that may be redundant with how you feel right now. Use it as a way to feel virtuous for all the people for whom you continue with this shitshow called life. Feeling virtuous- now there’s something to live for.
3. Count days off something. If you’re sober count that, one day off calling someone you know is bad for you, count it, if you didn’t eat junk food in a week, give yourself an internal pat on the back. Haven’t had a cigarette in years? Acknowledge ad nauseum. To understand how others are doing with their addictions, just turn on the TV and behold the numbed out cuckoos who are not even close to finding out who they are. I’m not asking you to be “grateful” in the 12 Step vein, just acknowledge yourself to be perverse.
4. Write down 10 good things you did RIGHT today, continue to 20, or 30 until you’re feeling it. Do it before bed and wake up in that instead of the soup of invalidation you went to sleep in. This will remind you why you don’t need to be dead- you are always doing better than your brain is reporting.
5. As long as you choose to live, you get another day to try a new therapy, medication, philosophy or methodology. Every time I think I have tried literally everything, I find something new (EMDR! Somatic therapy! BDSM!) Brilliant, transcendent people have come before us in the world and in the age of the Internet you will find them and life will not feel as lonely as it does right at this moment.
6. You literally have no idea if something great is just about to happen to you, so remind yourself of this next time something great happens like “Wow, I really didn’t see that coming.” Even if it’s a year from now, if you’re as much of a depressive as I am, you may not be glad you didn’t die, but you may be moved to tears that you made it. This is not “thinking positive.” “Thinking positive” can suck it.
7. Yoga. Find it. If money is an issue get it online. Your own breath is the most powerful reason to remember to live, except in the morning before you brush your teeth. Then you can add “your breath” to the “Reasons To Die” list.
8. You can’t let those fuckers win. Killing yourself “at” someone doesn’t work, because you’re not around to see it. The greatest revenge is staying alive after someone has left you for dead. Try using your anger to propel you through your days. Until you find a more efficient fuel, “fuck you”s can fill the tank.
9. You’re going to die anyway. It’s not like it’s an impossible goal to take the final dirt nap; you’ll get there, just slow down killer.
10. You will have sex again and it will be spectacular. Look, maybe it’s just me, but sex cures a lot of my problems. I know there’s a program for that, nevertheless I continue to believe in the power of sex to heal us. If it’s not appropriate or possible for you to get any at the moment, I get it. But rest assured, if you apply yourself or even if you don’t, it will likely happen again. And when it does you will release a thousand different demons in what the French call “le petit mort,” which will remind you that the “little death” beats the shit out of the big one.