Having recently had some viral success suggesting to penis owners, vulva havers, and everyone else about what a clit sporter might want to hear in the sack, here are a corresponding list of Don’t’s. The interesting thing is how much these vary on a person to person basis, one woman’s well-placed “Suck it,” is another one’s nightmare:
1. “Suck it.” Um, thank you, I know. I’m on it. Thanks for the pointer, though.
2. “You like that? You like that?” Yes, I like it. That’s why I just had an orgasm. (That might have been a tip off.)
3. “Come for papa.” I literally had someone say this to me. I get the whole Daddy vibe, but if we just met twenty minutes ago, I’m pretty sure this isn’t Fiddler on The Roof and you’re not my papa.
4. “You’re so much _______er than the last girl I banged.” Firstly, don’t say “banged.” Screw, fuck, or even “rail” is fine, but not “bang.” Also, can’t wait to hear what you tell the next woman gullible enough to bang you.
5. “I want to watch you with another girl.” Yawn. If I had a dollar. The invariable response to telling guys you’re bi, and sometimes not even- regardless, can we table this discussion, ’cause she ain’t here yet.
6. An inappropriate filth level. Know who you’re talking to- some of us like some dirty talk, if it’s smart and you’re good at it, but some women are put off by it. Like sex, use this as an opportunity to pay attention to her cues. If she flinches when you mention the Hello Kitty butt plug and the Ninja Turtle gang bang, then probably let it go for now.
7. “I can’t feel anything.” Yes the condom is annoying. We know. But that particular sentence is crushing to a woman. Unless it pertains to the fact that you’re a sociopath and literally can’t feel a damn thing. (In which case, totes jealous, wish I couldn’t feel anything.)
8. The three C’s – Complaints, Criticism or Children. Keep them all out of the sack, and you won’t encounter that other C. Who wouldn’t wilt at any form of ass disparagement (nothing wrong with my ass motherfucker) complaints about services rendered (see #1) or the ultimate lady boner killer, anything to do with the kids, whether the person you’re sexing made them with you or not. Just. Don’t. Remind me.
9. “I’m going to cum.” We like hearing it most of the time, but blowing the lid off this one, ALMOST EVERY GUY I HAVE EVER SLEPT WITH TELLS ME WHEN THEY’RE ABOUT TO CUM – EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Like just once, can you cum without telling us? Or try saying it in a different way, like “Going to shoot my geyser in your lady tunnel…” Either way, we will probably guess. (Sometimes wish men would telegraph their feelings with even close to this much accuracy and foresight.)
10. Too much talking. My favorite men are stern, stoic and silent, but maybe that’s because I’m dramatic, undignified and loud. If I want talking I will turn on NPR.*
*Think of it as Penn out of the bed, Teller in it.