10 Signs You Are Needy

You…
1. Obsessively check Facebook to see who is currently online and keep messaging them until they respond. Even if it takes days, they have to respond eventually right? Or maybe they don’t have messenger? Or stepped away from the computer? Are they dead- where did poor Suzy go, should we call somebody?

2. Over-share to strangers when picking up lunch. While waiting in line say something like, “Those Brussels sprouts look good, I think I will get those, do you ever feel like you will die of loneliness?”

3. Text old lovers/hook-ups/rando’s after months or years have elapsed. Knowing anything you text will end up killing you inside. Like “hi.” Anything to let them know you are TOTALLY over the relationship but you just noticed a grey hair, is that two grey hairs, fuck me time flies so anyway, hi.

4. If you have kids, clasp them to your bosom several times a day demanding they declare their love for you. “Do you love mommy? How much do you love mommy? More than daddy? Okay, are you sure you really love mommy, it’s okay if you love daddy, why are you crying honey?”

5. Are thirsty. For attention, for affection, for nostalgia, just go full thirst. (Don’t even try to hide your thirst, you know you were before the term was even coined.)

6. Grab a random onlooker by the lapels after a presentation, meeting or performance, get really close to their face and say, “Was that okay? Please tell me that was okay. No pressure, but I DO NOT EXIST UNLESS YOU VALIDATE ME.”

7. Tweet vaguely melancholy things like “I hope I get through this #PrayForMe” or “Can’t believe I did it again #FoolMeOnce.” You should get the concern you crave in no time.

8. Send block texts that are several screens long. (Classic needy, classic me, and many of my needy friends too.)

9. Have needy friends. There will never be too much need to go around, it will just be an endless circle of unrequited need. Best of all, you can all pretend to each other that you’re totally not needy, like yeah we could hang, or we could not, whatevs dude.

10. Are in the entertainment industry. If you didn’t start out needy, believe me you will be. Despite what you’ve been led to believe showbiz is neither your mommy nor your daddy, and cannot fill your gigantic pit of need with applause, recognition or money. (Though all those things would be totally fine, in a Buddhist, non-attached way, totally not going to lose my Zen over whatever your deal is…)

Ultimate thirst - shamelessly promoting yourself doing stand-up comedy TONIGHT 8:30 show
Ultimate thirst – shamelessly promoting yourself doing stand-up comedy TONIGHT 8:30 show

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