The MILF Code Manifesto

Additional guidelines for being a Mom You’d Like To Fuck; whether or not anyone else is.
DON’T…

1. Sex up the neighbors, you’ll have to walk past them again for eternity once you both realize just how lonely you must have gotten for that particular choice.
2. Mess around with your friends’ kids or your kids’ friends, even if they are of age. How would you like it if one of your friends played around with your kids? While my kids are not eighteen, even once they are, I personally would have to cut a bitch.
3. Seduce anyone in high school. Yes, the water polo team is delightful, keep walking…
4. Be a victim, even if you ended up a single mom. The more you can own and accept your own choices, the less you’ll feel like strangling small children, large adults and medium-sized pets.
5. Be hard on yourself for any reason, you have lost that luxury. Yell, break stuff, or move around vigorously with or without music, but don’t turn that anger inwards.
6. Bang the help. (Yes, I can say “bang.”) Use the guidelines for therapist dating their patients – after two years if you still can’t keep it in your pants, have at it, as long as the choice doesn’t break the rest of the Code.
7. Abandon yourself energetically. If you know you are there for you, it is the most reassuring thing there is, more than ice cream, though ice cream can work temporarily.
8. Drown your increasing bitterness in booze, food or substances. Might work delightfully for a while, eventually though it’s going to get ugly, and so are you.
9. Be bitter. Bitter is not a good color on anyone, in any shade, not even on the youngs.
10. Panic. Okay, so you broke the Code. You couldn’t keep it in your pants, or you kept it in your pants so long they have welded themselves to your body like a fleshy chastity belt, you ate your own body weight in Cheetos, or turned into a freaky over-exerciser, and now you’re on a spiral of internal self-blame. Pause, reset, continue. It’s all going to be okay. Ask your inner MILF, she’ll tell you so…

9 comments

  1. […] it. Look outside. There is life teeming all around, fighting to make more life. If you stick to a code of conduct, there is no need to be weary, just aware. Partake of a wonder that requires neither CGI nor visual […]

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