13 Signs You Have Lived In California Too Long

1. Most of your conversations with people are metaphysical, taking place beyond the realm of actual reality. If people from the middle of the country, the East Coast or another country overheard you, they would think you were bat-shit.
2. If your parents are still alive they rarely know what the fuck you are talking about, unless they themselves are Californian.
3. You have tried every type of yoga and could easily write a 10,000-word thesis on why you practice your particular style. (“Kundalini can actually be quite un-grounding.”)
4. You can knowledgably discuss Chakras and their relation to what you should watch on Netflix.
5. Even if you don’t surf, you don’t know anyone over age four who doesn’t. At least twice a week someone asks you to get in the water.
6. Your hair has blonde streaks without trying.
7. You use the words “energy,” “connection,” and “manifest,” more than the words “breakfast,” “work” and “laundry.”
8. You are, if not woo-woo, at least woo-woo adjacent. At the very least you are woo-woo tolerant, and wouldn’t dream of contradicting that friend who believes in chemtrails. (Dude, to each their own.)
9. You own more than three pairs of flip-flops.
10. Dressing up means wearing your dress Uggs.
11. You think it’s amusing to post pictures of yourself at the beach on Facebook with pithy captions, while your Mid-Western friends scrape ice off their snow tires.
12. You can explain every single thing in life in terms of “karma.” Good karma, bad karma, nothing is really taking place unless it alludes to some past life shit no-one remembers that needs to be completed so it doesn’t go on ad infinitum.
13. You think everything is a “sign,” even the fact that this list has 13. You can always find vague “signs” to validate your carnal desires. (“The guys behind the counter wearing the Texas Route 66 shirt recommended the organic shrimp, so I should totally go out with the Scorpio born in ‘66 from Oklahoma, because that’s totally near Texas!”)

This isn’t a quiz, but if these traits are familiar you are well and truly on your way to crunchy, hippie, edge-less-ville. Namaste, motherfuckers, Namaste.

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