10 Ways Dating Is Like Shopping

1. Lighting. Dating over 40 is like clothes shopping- you want to make sure you do it in the right lighting. Also, you never know how something is going to fit until you take it home and fuck the shit out of it.
2. Online shoppers beware. Sometimes a guy looks really good online, and then you see him in person and realize he’s polyester. And flammable. Many of us will get involved with a synthetic, but not one posing as organic cotton.
3. Pick wisely. Depending on #1 and #2, someone may be a different size, color and “give” than you expected. Sometimes it’s good to take a 24-hour grace period, to save you from buyer’s remorse, if not taking home a lemon.
4. Manage your expectations. When you’re tall it’s hard to find men, and pants. Ditto if you’re short. So when you find pants that fit, you think those pants will solve all your problems, you’ll be able to take them anywhere, you develop a whole new fantasy lifestyle around the pants… Guess what? Pants are not magical and neither are people.
5. Stay within budget. Are you writing a check with someone you cannot cash? Make sure you are devoting time, money and energy you have to spend. If you are pulling all the weight in a relationship, financially, emotionally or energetically, you may be dating on credit. Remember not even declaring bankruptcy will get back those years.
6. Dress appropriately. Sure Emo Goth looked great when you were fifteen, can you really pull it off at forty plus? Maybe you can. Far be it for me to say date in your age range (I don’t) but it pays to know who you are and present yourself accordingly, that way that completely young/inappropriate slutty number knows exactly what they’re getting.
7. New vs. recycled. Sometimes it’s wiser to recycle something that worked previously, rather than investing in a new piece, once the season comes back. Fashion is cyclical, and a good dick never goes out of styleTM.
8. Mending the frayed edges. So you splurged on someone great, but months or years later, the style is not looking so flattering. I know in the age of Tinder it’s tempting to ditch them, magpie-like, for the next shiny object, but sometimes a little thatching can extend the life of a vintage original you can’t find anywhere else.
9. Men vs. women. Men and women have vastly different attitudes to both dating and shopping. Commitment, in the form of buying shirts or love, is something straight men will not do it until ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Often they have to be forced to take these perfectly natural steps by women, to find out it is not the ordeal they feared. Also, women shop when they’re horny, when they could better expend that energy getting laid.
10. Moving on once the garment is unsalvageable. I had a pair of magical pants like the ones in #4 and ladies and gentleman I married those pants. But sometimes you have to live in them for ten or twelve years before they fall apart, and that’s when it’s time to call a lawyer, not a tailor. I don’t hate my ex-pants, because those pants are the father of my children and anyway it’s not their fault they started out a nice formal tux and ended up as chaps. Marriage can make the best of us come apart at the seams…

The dress lasted longer than the marriage
The dress lasted longer than the marriage


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