How to Have a Rich Husband

1. Get used to his absence. Even the British monarchs (who are independently wealthy) have myriad affairs of state- Prince William can’t just kick back and watch Netflix with you. If only you had picked that guy with nothing more than a skateboard to his name, he would have had plenty of free afternoon time to share a bong or seven.

2. He will hire out his duties. Are you dying to be touched? He will hire a masseur! Do you want attention? Time for an expensive dinner! (Though he might still have to check his phone to see how his stocks are doing to see if he can pay for desert.) Are you bored and need a thrill? Take the Amex and buy that $7,000 Versace bag! (For bigger thrill- get a Birkin- they can retail for up to $80,000!)

3. You will be infantilized. Your rich rescuer will take care of everything, phew what a relief. Be aware that if you ever leave the marriage you will barely be able to function as an adult. Prepare to re-learn or learn basic skills such as renting a car, getting insurance, and expressing an opinion that hasn’t been first been filtered through what his business associates might think.

4. Attitude of gratitude. Foget AA, this is gratitude 1% style. Don’t forget to be grateful because Daddy has got this.

5. Be second behind his ambition. Your rich husband will dote on you while you are young! And pretty! When you’re older and not as pretty and maybe not quite as pliant, he might still treat you well. (It’s been known to happen.) A true Alpha will never put your needs ahead of his desire to make more money, because gosh darn it, that makes him more erect than an infinite supply of Viagra.

6. Be turned on by workaholism. Like Lady Macbeth you too could inspire your man to greater and greater acts of corporate duplicity (or even murder) just hopefully without the part where you’re walking around in your nightgown scraping imaginary blood off your hands.

7. Forgot dad bod, enjoy rich man bod. Foie gras in truffle sauce will give your man that much vaunted distended belly, with a liver as swollen as overfed veal.

8. Sublimate your sexuality- if you meet your Richie young, your sexuality will be forever frozen at that time. Forget the animal thirties, and the even more carnal forties and fifties, that nebbish you married and helped build into a Titan does not want to be challenged in the bedroom by your antics. Freeze and desist.

9. Raising kids with servants, iPods and eventually luxury vehicles. Privilege is invisible-it is not even knowing you are. It is having brown people around do your bidding and most especially make up for what your parents are too busy trying to show a facade of to actually provide.

10. Wait for the inevitable. Statistics say, most older rich men will trade a woman in for a younger, if not dumber, then certainly more simple model, unless you first tire of the above and go screaming into the night (in your nightgown.) Whether you run into the arms of a 23 year old surfer/actor with plenty of free time, or yet another Daddy savior remains to be seen. Keep in mind if you’re fucking a guy so he’ll pony up for plastic surgery you’re only getting so that same guy doesn’t leave you, that might not be the American Dream you had in mind…

How big is too big?
How big is too big?

7 comments

  1. How about a Single Struggling Artist Mom with a focus? I can’t afford women’s shoes so I buy boys’ runing shoes…. cause they are half the price, only my knees & back feel it. I tell my kid we are getting fish for dinner tonight, it’s like a celebration, so I get a kiss with a Thank You. One day son you will have your own room again, and no I won’t rely on a step-dad this time to make it happen. Because you see son you follow your dreams, you take action and let God do the work. Inspire, believe, achieve.

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