The Wildest Sex Ever

It’s not possible. Could this be true? The Bone-In Queen has met her match? Ms. Sexy Sex Blogger, the liberated one, a solid 6 on the (self-invented) Sex Number ScaleTM? How to explain such a thing without jinxing it? My fingers are crossed, I spat three times to ward off the evil eye in the Russian style, and tied a red string around my pelvis. Now if my damn cervix would just close… (Doesn’t matter, I made dinner anyway.)

I never thought I would encounter this issue. Of the people I fornicate with, I am usually the wild one. Ms. Way Out Sure Lets Try It Why Don’t You Do This To Me, and I am comfortable with that. As a Sexual IntuitiveTM I have a knack for picking partners who are adventurous, to the exact extent that I want. Sure the young ‘uns can be a little on the immature side, but if you’ll pardon the mixed metaphor, you can’t complain about peanuts if you date monkeys.

And then. Him. Spotted across a room when I was wearing a tutu (why do so many fateful meetings start with me in a costume and end in invisible stirrups.) He was all in black and not as young as I have been used to (it had moved from a fetish to a rule- not necessarily a good thing) but something about him just spoke to me “Yes,” it said. Just yes.

Cut to two weeks later and I just have to share. Even as I continue to mourn the dead marriage (it’s more of a sniffly remains of mourning than a full hair-pull-out-throw-yourself-on-the-grave-fest) hope squirts eternal. Also, the impetus to leave behind another until recently quite tantalizing “relationship” with an erstwhile monkey from whom I got tired of accepting scraps… only partly because This appeared. This him. Dis guy right here who, without hyperbole, has blown away any and all concepts of what sex can be.

I would have him teach a class, to all sexes, but perhaps his brand of lovemaking is not for everybody? It requires a complete openness, a spiritual speculum if you will, that could cause a psychic shock. I equate making love with him to what happens to open heart surgery patients- the feeling that remains even after the procedure, when all has been fixed inside, is that of being wedged open, energetically entered, and many patients report feeling very depressed afterwards. Cervical adjustment notwithstanding, each procedure leaves me wanting to take to my bed and have nurses bring me liquids.

I would prescribe him to women to receive the “healing waters,” but I am not yet ready to share. I would pimp him out, but that’s illegal in the state of California. Anyway message me and we will talk… Meet us in Nevada maybe?

Please don’t assume I am pursuing monogamy, as this is not the case. I will never again rely on one person to meet my needs. It’s counterintuitive for me personally to believe that a single human can be one’s everything, but non-monogamy is not something I advocate for. On the brink of launching my work as a Sexual IntuitiveTM, please note that I will not be pushing sexually alternative lifestyles on anybody. What I am interested in reflecting to people, is what works for them. If that is traditional, vanilla and even asexual, that is absolutely great. Whatever floats your boat, dude and lady, dude and other dude, former dude now lady, or any numerical combination thereof. (And now we can all get married if we want to- yay! Also, duh.) Intuitive as I am, I didn’t realize I would meet someone who wouldn’t just float my boat, but capsize it.

One thing that bears repeating- love, sex, dating, and relationships are all different categories. There is a Venn diagram where all of these intersect, but I haven’t done enough due diligence to find the overlap yet. For now I can tell you that of all the things he has suggested- all permutations of dirty talk, age play, threesomes of every variety imaginable and even watersports, there is only one thing that has by far shocked and repulsed me the most. One characteristic so heinous that even someone as open minded as myself can barely get my head around it. Let me drop my shame for a minute. Deep breath. Okay- here goes. He’s… a Republican.

The search for the Venn diagram continues…


  1. As long as he’s not a politician. That might be took kinky, even for you! Glad you finally met your match.

  2. […] I have written about hook-ups with Millenials, group sex, getting off with toys, BDSM and being a MILF, mostly out of a desire to claim that porn search word as an actual powerful voice- for us breeding cows that dared procreate and still luxuriate in our bodies’ delights. What is most embarrassing and unfortunate to this sex writer, is being reminded that sex when I am in love, with all the attendant chemistry and depth, is so far superior to casual sex that I have literally forgotten what it was like to have sex with anyone else. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH CASUAL SEX. Fortunately, because of this blog, if I ever forget what sex with others was like, I can always look it up… […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s