Top 10 Things We Never Got To Do

1. Have a threesome with your ex-girlfriend, though you certainly talked about it enough. What a shame because it was such an original idea that no guy has ever thought to suggest to me before.
2. Kiss in the rain- in truth, we barely kissed in the sun. We stuck to indoor kissing, usually just prior to indoor fucking.
3. Walk on the beach at sunset holding hands- because when you are that emotionally withholding, PDA can kill!
4. Hiked and stopped to point out interesting flora and fauna in a non-ironic way.
5. Hiked and stopped to point out interesting flora and fauna in an ironic way.
6. Watched any piece of filmed entertainment – TV, movies, Netflix etc. Frankly we couldn’t have gotten through a Gif without fucking.
7. Maintain eye contact.
8. Have dinner more than once, and this was an achievement, as clearly there was little to discuss. And at the end I reached for my wallet with Oscar-worthy commitment.
9. Pick out fonts for wedding invitations. (“No not Lucida,” you might have chided playfully, “Garamond is so much more romantic.”)
10. Suicide pact. Sigh… Perhaps this is the one I regret most of all…

I hold my own hand motherfucker what?

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