Don’t call me a cougar, as that implies a predatory nature unnecessary for a mature someone and a young someone looking for a “shared experience.” When the expert and the novice come together, the tutelage is all good dirty fun, as long as both parties are clear on their expectations (ideally: none.) Though if I’d started early I could’ve been their mom, I have long had a fondness for those born between 1986 and 1995. Here’s why:
1. Texting. The old thumb convo matches my middle-aged fear of intimacy perfectly.
2. Internet. Old enough to remember the world before the Internet, wise enough to know it was an analogue horror show.
4. No Age Prejudice. The immortal classic “The Graduate” could never be made today, unless that whole movie was just the first act and then zombies? Millenials give not one fuck about Mrs. Robinson’s age, hence no story arc. “Harold and Maude” would have to end with the kid banging the grandma otherwise yawn.
5. Optimism. Show me a guy over 50, and I’ll show you a curmudgeon who thinks the word is going to hell*. (It is, but it always was, it ain’t the Internet stupid.)
6. Technology. Nothing is better than banging built-in tech support. What I don’t understand, you can explain to me, right after this…
7. Attention Span. Two kids and a braincell bloodletting later, like you, I cannot focus beyond oh what’s that shiny
8. Exclusivity. No one in their twenties is going to ask me for monogamy because their parents’ third divorce hinted at how that pans out.
9. Stamina. Moving forward…
10. Certainty. This is even more prevalent in the younger Millenial women I meet – they seem to know what they want and have no trouble asking for it. What. A. Concept.
11. Deniability. Sure I want a serious relationship. Of course. But first…
12. Emojis. Once I got schooled on how they differ from emoticons, I too was ready to fill the awkward silences with oversimplified symbols. 😍
13. Generation WTF. Who cares if I have to explain Kurt Cobain, totes worth it. (I can just play the HBO doc.)
14. Retro. I lived long enough to be one of those new record players they sell at Urban Outfitters.
15. Skills. In my day sex nerds weren’t a thing- it wasn’t like dudes were at the library poring over Encyclopedia Britannica to learn how to be good at sex. A coupla clicks is all it takes to get some REALLY useful information.
16. Fun. Remember fun? I didn’t.
17. Emotional maturity. Who needs it?
18. Nurturing. Because having kids and also dating them.
19. Selfies. Hell yes. You can’t imagine what it was like growing up without a healthy outlet for narcissism beyond getting into show business.
20. Social media. (Am I supposed to Tweet @PeopleI’mCrushingOn or does that lack irony?)
21. Parallel Lives. A decades long quest for knowledge that ended in the realization that nothing is what you thought it was, not to mention financially draining, followed by struggling to establish a meaningful life that reflects your authentic self? ANY RECENTLY DIVORCED WOMAN IS RIGHT THERE WITH YA BABE.
*Postscript: I have since found more than one optimistic over-50-year-old.
Need help figuring out whether you want to hook up or hang up? Trouble attracting the age group you desire? Been a while since your last dirty dalliance? EMAIL ME now to see if a Sexual Intuitive session could be right for you.