I know it seems weird, but I know. I don’t know how I know and I could be completely wrong about knowing. Please feel free to tell me I do not know, but believe me I know.
1. Gisele Bundchen has never achieved a touchdown. (Watch the new Stuart Weitzman shoe commercial and beg to differ.) Much as it would be hot to have a visual of that tight end, Tom Brady may be enduring more than one Deflategate.
2. Will and Jada have a WILD time being Will and Jada. Their relationship is flowing like the open (Over)brook it’s always been, so please stop trying to stop them up with your media beaver dam of lies; if they break up, it won’t be because of anything to do with this:
3. Tom Cruise, not gay. He couldn’t even convincingly portray one in Interview With A Vampire, so puhleaze. Notwithstanding THAT video, all that hanging off airplanes, motorcycles and Burj Khalifas, makes me want him to go up on me. Since he is still throwing himself through plate glass windows after 50, it’s likely the big T still has high T. (Kept expecting him to get up in the last Mission Impossible flick and say “I’m getting too old for this shit.”)
4. Miley. Pansexual. Neon sluts For The Win! You go, giving young girls permission to have something to be only slightly embarrassed about years from now. Thank God she left Liam behind- yes he is a Hottie McHotterson, but she passed him sexually long ago. For such a young woman she is genuinely in her body and uninhibited in bed. In 20 years she may even be as sexy as Nicki Minaj is now… And that’s What’s Good.
5. Simon Cowell is kinky and a Dom, or perhaps a Switch. I would be shocked if he is not into BDSM, but keep I mind I don’t even have a lawyer so I might mean Barely Deviant Slightly Mental. Though now partnered up and with kid, let’s hope this very public person still has room to fulfill his desires, which believe me, are darker than his talent judging.
6. Taylor Swift. One of the sexiest popstars on earth is utterly boring in bed. A preppy Vanilla would appreciate her traditional moves, but for a dancer she has yet to take her hang-ups and “shake it off.” I think as she grows she will figure out what she is into – there’s a big freak locked under that cheerleader skirt. See “Princess by Day, Slut by Night.” (Hope the squad gets to watch.)
7. Gaga- She and Taylor what’s his face gorgeous omg yum yum swoon wants her to swap more than outfits. Forget edible dresses, as long as she can still perch on those skyrocketing heels, she’ll be bringing home delectable treats for them both. Can you say non-disclosure agreement?
8. Speaking of NDAs, Brad and Angelina after 10 plus years, still the hottest couple in Hollywood. They are possibly bi, pretty polyamorous, without the “possession” paradigm, the only pathetic part is they persist in not Periscoping. (Alliteration is why I get the big bucks.)
9. No surprise when any of the Bachelor/ Bachelorette couples split- there is zero heat between any of them. You can fake drama for Fake-ity TV, but ya can’t fake chemistry.
10. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – while the now divorced family man seems like a traditional Alpha who has probably mowed through ten metric tons of p***y, let’s just say he enjoys his lean protein with a nice tossed salad.
Coming up soon (because I keep it classy) All Time Best Lays Of Dead Celebrities.