10 Reasons To Consider Becoming A Parent

1. Kids are cute, even the ugly ones. They go to sleep cute, they wake up cute, and they emanate cuteness from every pore, cute little fuckers*.
2. You will love them and that love will expand your heart towards other living creatures, like in Disney movies when birds alight on your fingertips, except without the royalty-heavy princess music.
3. You will be more grounded and less selfish, and this will feel better on an existential level, even if you still need psychotropic drugs.
4. You can use them as an excuse not to do something, “Sorry, can’t, I’m with the kids…” is perfectly acceptable. (If you make up a fake illness for your kids, consider doing a ceremony in front of a Pentagram as you are now officially in the “dark arts.”)
5. You might qualify for the term MILF, made famous by porn, now co-opted by me to mean sexy and fabulous in a momalicuous way.
6. If they turn out wonderfully you can take all the credit.
7. If they don’t turn out, you can blame the other parent.
8. They’re malleable- even if you think you’ve ruined them one day, you can always repair them the next! If adults can rewire our neural pathways within two years, these kids are brain electricians.
9. When you’re old they will still be around to love you when your friends are dead.
10. Having kids will be the most magical/painful/moving/enervating/beautiful/frustrating thing you ever do, so why not? What the hell else ya got going?



  1. #1: yup
    #2: ugh…yup
    #3: i still get the last brownie, cause I paid for them
    #4: use ALL the time
    #5: and, as a male parent, MILF’s are even more awesomely sexy.
    #6 & #7: I kinda take credit either way, because I also like when they’re a little evil
    #8: up to a certain age, of course. i think one has moved past that age already, but i have about three more years to make the younger one more how I like
    #9: truth
    #10: ok, fine. agreed.

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