12 Ways To A Better Blowjob – A Slut Tutorial

1. Rename it a “Lovejob”- Enjoying someone else’s junk is not a chore – it’s a privilege. If you don’t love him enough to suck it, maybe you shouldn’t be in bed with him at all.
2. Stop, Look and Listen – not just good directions for crossing the road. Sounds, movements, breaths and sighs will tell you many things about whether you are moving in the right direction, especially when someone is too incapacitated to speak.
3. Work on your “issues.” Maybe something awful happened to you, maybe it was just Catholicism, but everyone’s hang-ups are their own opportunity for growth. It takes work for some of us to access our inner slut, but ladies- totes worth it!
4. Stop thinking any part of sex as the “main course,” and start thinking of the whole experience as more of a tasting menu. Don’t like the rabbit balls in a honeysuckle jus because you long ago decided you don’t eat Leporidae? Perhaps just give them a try periodically before you reject them out of hand.
5. Communicate about hygiene. “Dude, wash your ass,” may not be your style (especially while en flagrante) but figuring out a way to say something is much more honorable than avoiding the area. Perhaps you could text it to him over a nice Sushi lunch?
6. Practice. Use your fingers to stimulate your gag reflex until you no longer panic from no oxygen; though I recommend doing this in the privacy of your home, some girls prefer honing their skills while stuck in traffic. Regardless, if this nausea prone Jewess can learn to do it, so can you!
7. No quid pro quo. If I waited until a guy went down on me before deciding to do it to them, I’d have a sad dearth of dick-sucking experience. Get yourselves tested, stop being neurotic, and go at it like HPV wasn’t invented yet, with the attendant generation of dudes too afraid to lick the pussy.
8. Be empowered by the words used to denigrate women. Minorities and “deviants” figured this out years ago – if you take ownership of the words they can’t hurt you. If liking oral sex (or sex in general) is associated for you with “being a slut/whore/easy” find the words that empower you to enjoy bodies as nature intended. Decide to think of yourself (fondly) as a happy little cocksucker.
9. Find your female power- If you have to hang amethysts from your nipples, go on Yoni Solstice retreats and remind yourself hourly you’re a Goddess I’m down with that, just don’t forget that the Divine Feminine can also be awakened by devotion to the Divine Masculine. (And I am talking about energy here, not just heterosexual coupling. This tutorial is not for gay men, because THEY DON’T NEED ONE.)
10. Porn is not life. Sure you saw your favorite XXX star hanging sideways clinging to a curtain with her toes, bobbing on a fourteen-inch rod, but she is a PROFESSIONAL. Comparing yourself to a brain surgeon would intimidate any intern, but with perseverance it won’t be long before you earn your Phd of the Mouth.
11. Enthusiasm. I’ve written about this before, the importance of genuine excitement at the prospect of the act vs. painting-by-numbers expertise. More important than Cosmo Tips and Tricks is the dedication to pleasing your lucky recipient.
12. Cum is for closers. Make like Sesame Street and let it land “NEAR” and/or “FAR.” If you don’t want to swallow what comes from someone, perhaps that’s a clue you don’t like their insides. Nothing wrong with setting boundaries if you really don’t want to ingest sperm, just remember life is all about having a positive attitude! Now get to it and please do report back in the comments: America, I believe in you- you can drink cum like a pro!

11 comments

  1. Really great piece, Susanna. I’m inspired! One note (and I’m just playing with your choice of profession, ’cause if you’d said rocket scientist I wouldn’t have nit-picked) you don’t have to be a brain surgeon to know anything about anything other than brain surgery as evidenced by one of the would-be republican presidential candidates.

    And lest you think this is too hetero-normative or gender specific, let me say I think this can work for any/all genders etc. and I will close by quoting our intl. poet laureate Damon Albarn (whether or not it’s someone you really love, I hope you at least approximate that feeling):
    Girls who are boys
    Who like boys to be girls
    Who do boys like they’re girls
    Who do girls like they’re boys
    Always should be someone, you really love

    Thanks!
    xxoo

  2. To me, swallowing or not doesn’t matter that much… Although I’m usually a heavy cummer (think that is the word? ), and don’t expect my wife to swallow all the time… And makes for a good drop-me-to-my-knees experience/occasional treat! … Seriously, I wish you (or any woman) could somehow experience the sensation!

  3. […] leaving them stranded in a sea of unironic listicles, meaningless sex pointers and uninspired blowjob tips? How could I forsake those who reached out saying I had re-invigorated their sex lives and/or made […]

  4. […] I’ve written about many outrageous acts of masturbating with toys in the past (a Valentine’s tradition) and also more than a few sex adventures, but unfortunately have not been able to find a way to combine the two. Not that I don’t incorporate masturbating into sex (yay!) rather, sometimes adding a sex toy in the bedroom becomes about the “mechanics,” instead of the connection. And if you know me, you know I am all about the energy, less about sexy blowjob tips. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s