1. Find A Woman- They’re everywhere! Densely populated areas have more females, but sometimes you can even find one wandering in a forest. Gaze into her large eyes, and lure her with chestnuts- or even better- the promise of oral.
2. Consent- sure you assume she wants your head between her legs, but do you know for sure? You don’t need a fifty page signed contract, but use your intuition. Is she breathing heavy, pupils dilated with wet nethers, pushing your head down like it’s an errant gopher in an arcade game, or is she saying “No, thank you, my ph is a little off”?
3. Warm Her Up- okay you’ve already kissed her lips, now it’s time to kiss around the others. Small bites, breathing, and licks all around her special place should delight your subject. Go slow, start easy and listen for sounds. Don’t hurry through the appetizer and your desert will be even sweeter.
4. Eye Contact- There is almost nothing as sexy as seeing a man’s eyes peering up at you as he is preparing to lick you or already in the act of licking. Some women need to zone out to concentrate on orgasm, but checking in visually is a great way to hold the intimacy of the moment (in case having your mouth on someone’s most vulnerable place is not intimate enough.)
4. Settle In- Pack a lunch and spend a while there (Prince has pretty much said it all, hasn’t he?) Let go of your expectations for how long this will take. Most women are self-conscious about the time it takes them to cum, and some are not even attached to that outcome. The less you have expectations and stay generous, the more likely it is that your lady will relax and float towards nirvana.
5. Learn the Vagina- Can you point out Greenland on a map? How about a clitoris? Do you know what a G-Spot is? If you answered No to any of these questions (except Greenland) go bone up on your pussy geography. Hint: Women have more concentrated nerve endings in the clitoris, so sometimes rhythm is more important than sustained direct pressure.
6. Learn Your Woman- I could tell you to lick gently around the vulva until you get up to the clitoris, or use dedicated strokes on the hood, or bite her bits until she squirms, but the truth is women are all different. Here’s an idea- ask her! Pay attention- do you notice more receptivity when her kids are not screaming for breakfast on the other side of the door? Set yourself up to win champ!
7. Vary It Up- What do cunnilingus and tennis have in common? The best players vary up their strokes. Don’t be that predictable guy who always follows a baseline rally with a lob in the same damn quadrant. Be the John McEnroe of licking, minus the tantrums if things don’t go your way.
8. Learn From The Lesbians- The highest compliment I ever gave a guy was that he gave head like a girl (heart emoji.) Take your local lesbian out for drinks and pick her brain- not only does she know her way around a puss, but she has one, and has likely picked up scores of fancy tricks. What was the trick in this particularly case, you ask? Manipulating the hips rhythmically and using that momentum to push into the tongue, instead of vice versa, and I do mean “into” not “on to.” (And seriously, you’re welcome.)
9. Make Like The Hokey Pokey- Definitely don’t put your right foot in (unless that’s her thing- see #2) but definitely use the limbs God gave you. Just as a successful blowjob can be “look no hands” or “check out how many ways I can make my hands into a tight hole” don’t be afraid to use digits to add to what your mouth is doing. Start with a finger, go slow and enjoy watching her reach pinball-level jackpot.
10. Rhythm- It’s one thing to tease but once you have a serious momentum going DO NOT STOP DO NOT SLOW DOWN OR VARY THE MOVEMENT OR YOU WILL NOT PASS GO, let alone collect $200/the messy gratitude of a satisfied lady. Bringing a woman to the brink of orgasm over and over again is called “edging,” consistently bringing her to the edge and then losing focus is called “incompetence.” Now get down there and let me know how it goes! I can’t tell the polite amount of time to wait before disengaging to comment on a blog, only you know that…