So you know what you want. Congratulations, you are ahead of the game! “I Don’t Know What I Want In The Sack Syndrome” (IDKWIWITSS) affects millions of Americans, but there is hope! Once you have figured out what rocks your cockles, then what? How to broach the tender subject of that vampire obsession without the use of mime and some drugstore-bought teeth? Fear not, your flawless How-To-Bring-It-Up-Guide is right here:
1. Keep it Positive- “I loved how you spanked me with that swizzle stick” or “I died when you used the swirly tongue” is a good prelude to admitting a guy has never actually made you come or that your lady has never hit on the one thing that really lights your fire. You get more bees with honey, as the saying goes. (Just remember if you’re going to put honey on a pussy, watch out for yeast.)
2. Be Direct- Use your words without being coy. I once had relations with a guy who would murmur, “Man you have a nice vagina…” and “Do you like my penis?” during the act. Once we got him used to good, dirty, porn words, I didn’t LOLz quite as much. There’s no problem using the medical terms for genitals to describe what you’d like to try, but if embarrassment causes you to use euphemisms like “down there” and “you know,” it’s time to evolve past Middle School. I know you can do it!
3. Don’t Use Sex As Currency In Your Relationship- Of course it is entwined in your feelings about someone, but don’t use sex to communicate issues- examples of this are withholding sex, withholding orgasm, hate-fucking someone when that’s not their thing, or engaging in any kind of BDSM as a way to transmit anger. The less emotional baggage you can process before you have sex, the more authentic the expression of filth.
4. Don’t Be A C Word- While he’s in yours. Some of us may or may not have torpedoed marriages with our bossy natures in the bedroom, and some of us wish we had known better. For men- don’t be a D word when she’s on yours- that would not be the time to start criticizing her technique (unless it’s part of some kind of sick twisted little game you’ve agreed upon earlier.)
5. Agree On Sick Twisted Games Earlier- otherwise known as consent. Apparently this point cannot be belabored enough- especially considering the allegations against everyone’s favorite GOP Nominee. If a woman has told you she doesn’t want something, trying to get her to agree to it en flagrante is a dick move. You should have an idea of what you’re up for before you get on the roller coaster- even for a night.
6. Use Touch- when you are physically connected to someone it’s much easier to feel what they are trying to getting across- physical messages can go beyond words. Hold hands while you discuss difficult things, so the person still feels the reassurance of your skin. (The more you are “in your body” when talking it out, the better someone can be in yours later.)
7. Don’t be blame-y or victim-y– knowing what is “your stuff” and what is “their stuff” is a product of either natural emotional intelligence, good attachment with your family of origin, or therapy. Try not to accuse someone of triggering you when in fact you are the one who got triggered. If your lover brings a carrot to bed and it reminds you of that awful incident with a garden vegetable at the hands of an errant gardener, make sure you let them know how it makes you feel, without accusing them of causing it.
8. Be Honest Not Brutal– An example of this is a statement such as “I was never really attracted to you.” WHY IS THIS NECESSARY? Even if you are communicating that you are not staying in a relationship to work on your issues, common human decency trumps your desire to “get it all off your chest one last time.”
9. How To Communicate In Bed? DON’T – Not always IN the actual bed anyway. Some stuff is better left outside the bedroom- for example erection issues are best not dissected in the moment. If money allows, you could book a dinner to have a tête-à-tête about that long held fascination with amputees, but sometimes the living room works just as well (don’t forget to hold hands a la #6.)
10. Fight The Fear- The biggest enemy of communication is fear– fear of being scorned or looking like an idiot. Fear of sounding needy or mean or selfish, and sometimes a quite warranted fear of literal or emotional abandonment. If you have felt unsafe because of the reaction you got communicating something in the past, it is natural that it would put you off, but denying your needs is not fair either. Sometimes you have to swallow those dry butterflies and blurt out what’s troubling you- because we are only on this crazy rock for a minute. It’s worth saying the unsaid before you skid into the big death, so you don’t miss out on all the little ones…
Frustrated from continually not having your needs met? No idea how to communicate a specific preference or fetish? Given up on ever being satisfied? Don’t take your marbles home just yet, email me NOW to see if a Sexual Intuitive® session is right for you.