The Twelve Steps To Sexual Recovery

There’s a Twelve Step Program for almost everything, believe me, I know. Whether you want to recover your sex drive, or find a sexual freedom you’ve never experienced, these steps might take you to hands-free orgasms (Ask Me How) where your hang-ups are banished to purgatory (or a GOP convention) to wear themselves out on a loop…

Step One: Admit.
Here’s the bizarro thing – everyone has sexual hang-ups. Even your slutty author has run into barriers on the quest for sexual liberation. Admitting the truth of your quandaries is the first step towards freedom.
Step Two: Believe.
Denying your bio urges is a habit developed as a maladaptive coping mechanism, like smoking. We must believe it’s possible, if at times uncomfortable, to let that bug crawl out of our collective ass (except if you’re into bug-in-the-ass-play, then keep it in.)
Step Three: Accept.
Repression is bad for your health. Ever noticed the best way to fix your mood as a teenager was to have a wank? Paradoxically, the less you shame yourself about masturbating, the less likely you will overdo it, underdo it, or eschew it in favor of binge-watching “The Affair” and convincing yourself having a libido doesn’t lead to anything good.
Step Four: Resolve.
In order to move forward, sometimes you need a full accounting of your past. Get out one of those old fashioned devices that ink flows out of (like a quill) and let your past unfurl- when did you first notice that sex became more of a problem than a solution? (Warning: You may need a therapist for what you unearth.)
Step Five: Remember. While you have that quill out, why not fill the parchment scroll with hot memories? Perhaps you’ve felt sexually stymied for a while – if so, try to remember the first time you ever had a sensual stirring, before someone or something told you it was a bad idea.
Step Six: Notice.
People, places and things you encounter during the day that cause arousal, and don’t argue with yourself about it! Did something ping when you saw that person in the denim overalls? What’s that about? Don’t you want to know? AREN’T YOU CURIOUS? I am. Email me! Subject line: WHAT’S UP WITH THE OVERALLS?
Step Seven: Write.
What arouses/disgusts/activates you sexually (you may find these things to be interchangeable and that’s okay too.) Don’t second guess your fascination with the chicken scene in the movie “Angel Heart” – this is the time to be as “outrageous,” “dysfunctional” and “creepy” as you’ve never allowed yourself to be.
Step Eight: Research.
This is the part where I tell you to watch porn, read erotica and ask people in your life sex questions. Despite the gender stereotype, women talk about sex amongst themselves much more than men. I could give you at least a bare bones account what every one of my girlfriends is into and most of us don’t even drink so there is no accelerant loosening our tongues. (Just don’t ask cousin Chet at Christmas if he’d like his ham with a side of butt stuff…)
Step Nine: Complete.
Do you need to tie up some loose ends with past sexual encounters? While it is often neither possible nor necessary to go back to the source, you can resolve things on paper, at least for yourself. If you still feel stuck on a past person/relationship/horrifying encounter, read THIS.
Step Ten: Let Go.
Not only of your assumptions, but also of whatever you wrote in Step 4. Everyone on earth is not necessarily having toe-curlingly great sex right at this moment, especially once they have kids! Don’t be intimidated by people who talk big, or by all those fetes of athleticism you’ve seen online. More important than quantity is an openness to exploring what you enjoy and what turns the other person on.
Step Eleven: Sit With Yourself.
If you could experience anything sexually, outside the boundaries of monogamy/society/the-space-time-continuum what would it be? (Anti-gravity pod sex FTW.)
Step Twelve: Share.
You might discover you’re asexual, a perfectly valid orientation for about 1% of people. More common however, is that something made you repress your desires-an encounter was painful physically, emotionally or energetically-and you (understandably) retreated. Once you re-acquaint yourself with your own sensuality, you are ready to play with another adult human! Just remember – repressed people kill people. Could be a new solution to the gun control problem– let’s make each other too weak-kneed to shoot anyone…

Upside Down – Get it?


  1. […] sex pointers and uninspired blowjob tips? How could I forsake those who reached out saying I had re-invigorated their sex lives and/or made them understand that women could be as lusty as men and/or given them boners/lady […]

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