It’s “engagement season” which means that all people are mandated to propose some time before Christmas and New Year or they’ll have to wait until Columbus Day. So here are 7 foolproof tips to plan your wedding:

1. Be able to stand the person you’re marrying – preferably for more than 24 hours at a time, but hopefully more. If the thought/reality/smell of them repulses you, might be time to postpone venue selection until your gag reflex recedes. (If you’re allergic to someone it’s more like gluten than lactose, it will not get better with time.)
2. Focus on sex instead of the dress – do you like fucking this human? Though the dress is used once , hopefully you’ll be used more. Think of sex less like an exclusive garment and more like underwear – something you’ll need fresh pretty much every day.
3. The ring- should reflect your personal aesthetic, values, and also be easy to pawn.
4. Venue is really important – for example, certain fetishes require certain locations. Like choking – in bed it can be hot, in a restaurant it can be fatal.
5. 2/3 Marriages Fail –consider weaving this fact into the proceedings, perhaps the napkins could read:

Joni and John,
Forever
(Hopefully)

6. Don’t stress about the first dance – you’ve got your whole lives to step on each other’s hopes and dreams.
7. Don’t tell anyone! As an experiment, go to a florist and ask for roses, then ask for the “wedding roses” and watch the price magically quadruple. Take this step further and make like a celebrity and don’t tell people that “Surprise 30th” is actually your wedding. Surprise! The emotional cost is immeasurably lessened when none of your family or friends can weigh in with their opinions for your magical day, so mum’s the word!