40 Things I Learned About Sex At Forty

1. Sex gets SO much better even if you enjoyed it plenty as a dumb teenager. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
2. Masturbation is a benevolent G-d’s greatest gift to humanity. How much more proof of intelligent design is there than the co-creation of genitals, hands and fingers? (Medical silicone sex toys are more proof that G-d loves us.)
3. You don’t need an MBA to know if you can come by yourself, you will be statistically more likely to with someone else (there’s probably a data pie infographic for this somewhere.)
4. No sex is better than junk sex, the high fructose corn syrup of fucking.
5. If too much time elapses, a little hanky panky is better than none. If there are cobwebs on your nethers, time to call a dustman.
6. Guys that were older than you were then, who are younger than you are now, are the most incredible discovery since a rover landed on Venus Mons. (The only thing more incredible would be a time machine to go back and “do” those guys then, with what you know now.)
7. If a dude thinks you’re hot, he won’t be measuring your nipple to neck ratio. Those perky tits happened before he knew you anyway.
8. Monogamy might be a myth. All the unmarrieds who think it’s the magic cure-all (“Yay, someone to have sex with forever!”) it’s all fun and games ‘til someone loses an eye (usually your partner putting your eye out for just looking.)
9. All problems that can’t be solved by doing the horizontal tango can be solved by dark chocolate. (Beats the shit out of SSRI meds.)
10. Wrinkles are directly proportional to orgasms. For men they’re inversely proportional.
11. Lube is everything. My favorite natural product is Sex Butter, it has all the good things. I use it to heal after too much boom-boom. (If such a thing were possible.)
12. Jealousy is normal, expected and also fundamentally flawed. You think another bush gets envious if a dog picks a different spot to pee?
13. Sex is not enough to keep a marriage together, especially sex outside marriage if it involves lies. Though feel free to give it a shot and let me know how that goes…
14. Not enough consummating can torpedo a marriage. (Until you realize it wasn’t the real issue, the same way those fights about the thermostat were totally about sex.)
15. Married sex can be awesome, gosh-wow-I-see-colors spectacular, but sex after divorce might be less gosh-wow and more fuck-yeah.
16. You can’t expect me to put up with your bullshit if you’re also not fucking me. Sorry. That’s what I call a “double negative.”
17. Body hair is not that big a deal. Personal preference is fine but there’s nothing inherently scary about follicles.
18. There’s no fetish that doesn’t exist, and if it doesn’t you should invent it! Don’t just let your freak flag fly, wrap yourself in it like the Statue of Liberty holding up a giant Hitachi. (Totes going to do that by the way so no copying!)
19. Kink gets kinkier. At this point if someone went to the kitchen and brought out a blender I’d be like, “Hmmm… what did you have in mind?”
20. Communicate. Tell him/her/non-gender identified human what you like/don’t like/think you might be willing to wave a blender at. Otherwise how will you know if someone shares your fetish for leather pup play?
21. Love and sex are not the same thing and you do not need one for the other. (Also enough of either can inadvertently cause the other.)
22. Men will literally say anything to get you into bed. They will turn into pathological liars, scoundrels and sycophants to get in your pants. Only after they (and you) “get some” will you know what you’ve got. (Hopefully not HPV.)
23. Safer sex is not an optional add-on on the Quizno’s of fucking. Even if you like it protein-style, put on one of those rubber things until you see printed test results.
24. Honesty is the hottest thing there is, if you can’t manage it, keep it in your pants. What’s the point wasting something as magical as lovemaking on pretending to be someone you’re not?
25. Attraction is energetic, it happens beyond the physical. No one else has to understand what you see in someone. If however, a bunch of people in your life think you are being abused, ya might wanna ask yourself if any dick or pussy is that good.
26. Enthusiasm trumps experience. Someone can have quite a limited repertoire but drive you wild because of who they happen to be and how into you they are.
27. Deep throat is a learned skill, but willingness is everything. It’s like AP Calculus.
28. Some things cannot be taught, like passion. If ya ain’t got it, ya can’t order it on Amazon.
29. Some people do not want to be untaught or deprogrammed. If a person won’t work on resolving their blocks to enjoyment, there’s not a thing you can do about it.
30. Wetness and hardness are not measures of self-worth. Both are as inexact a science as meteorology. (And as hard to predict the tremors.)
31. Orgasms are better for your skin than peptides.
32. Whatever you fantasize about is perfectly okay. If it’s your sister dressed as a clown that’s also fine, as long as you don’t attempt a real life re-enactment. (Unless that’s sis’s thing.)
33. Shame is instilled in kids when very young by sometimes well-meaning adults, doesn’t mean you have to carry it with you like the corpse in “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
34. Sex addiction is a serious issue and, like alcoholism, self-diagnosed. Until I’m blowing strangers at a truck stop, I’m going with “sex aficionado.”
35. Stay hydrated, you have to replace the electrolytes oozing from all regions.
36. Watch your blood sugar; key to keeping your strength up, whether you top or bottom, so you don’t get “hangry” and maim the one you’re lovin’.
37. If you’re a MILF, follow the CODE.
38. Ass play is the cherry on the already awesome sex cake. See #11 lube.
39. Just because someone loves fucking you, doesn’t mean they love you. (Otherwise I would have been re-married about eighteen times already.)
40. Whatever you thought about being an old, sex at 40 is better than it’s ever been. That is until the next list comes out “50 Sex Tips I Learned At 50…”

This is BEFORE. AFTER is much messier

13 comments

  1. Yup. Sex in my 20s? Fun. Sex now? Fuck yeah! And, I don’t mean that as a guy thing, because I know that guys can get off easier than women most of the time. I mean it in that I have met more women from the ages of 35 – 50 who are WAY more fun, smart and funny than ANY woman I met in my “younger” years. And, yes…smart and funny plays a MUCH bigger role in sex than a just nice ass or rack. But, all that being said, I have some dark chocolate waiting for me at home. For the right moments.

  2. […] I aim my material at women, men and any gender than relates to having a cock and/or pussy. So not just straight/cis/white/middle-class-and-up people. Certainly not just to the old or the youngs, or monogamous or married or even slutty people. When married I was like a child with money (Look Daddy the lights! They magically stay on!) and in the past that naivete may have lost me gigs and readers and most certainly self-respect. As I have grown up and into a new independence, so I lost the motivation to continually generate what they call “free content” for your entertainment pleasure. They cost me something, you see, these little nuggets, and the advice in them is hard won and well-lived. Dear reader, I chugged all that baby batter just for you… […]

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