Ever wondered why that man you’re so close to needs his own time and space, especially after you’ve put him through an emotional shitshow? Well you’re in luck, because here are 11 reasons why your man needs to “take space” aka “retreat to his cave” aka “act like your gruff ex-military dad.”
11. Sometimes men need to take a shit. I know it’s weird, because we ladies NEVER, ever defecate, and if a little escapes it is more like a fragrant bouquet of wildflowers. But sometimes a real man just needs to take a real dump, you don’t want him to do it in front of you, do you? (So chill, woman.)
10. He needs to scratch his ass and he doesn’t want to do that in front of you either because he’s all gentlemanly like.
9. He’s gobsmacked because you made his dick soooo hard that all the blood went away to his lizard brain and he can no longer manage anything but guttural mating calls. He doesn’t want to frighten you into thinking he is having a stroke so he’s taking some time to recover his frontal lobe capacities.
8. Even though he’s a paper mâché sculpture that exists to fulfill your every whim, if you get him wet he turns into a pulpy mess, but never fear, he’s just going to find more Elmer’s.
7. Rickets, rabies, or Zika – he’s trying to make sure he doesn’t infect you in case he has it, so he’s off getting tested and will text you any minute now to give you the all clear!
6. Men are historically unemotional otherwise in ancient times they would have been eaten by a water buffalo and more recently by a random divorcée at lunch.
5. Dudes have a small valve at the base of the brain stem, which starts leaking carbon dioxide if you tap on their skulls too long with your female woodpecker bullshit. If he withdraws he is not necessarily going to leave you permanently (devastating your heart, mind and soul for the remainder of your natural days) he’s simply going to his workshop where he has the tools to reseal his valve.
4. He’s going to the store to get some milk and it’s definitely going to be the kind that’s made from cows treated with the growth hormone rBST but you’re lactose intolerant and can’t drink it anyway so get over it.
3. You’re a detestable piece of female gooseflesh who is totes from Venus and no one can stand to be around you, especially not a hot sexy Martian like him.
2. Biology- men’s testosterone is lowered by the release of Oxytocin, that crack cocaine chemical we all secrete after sex. Oxytocin makes women fall in lerv, but because it makes dudes biologically more like chicks, and because they love their penii so much, they then have to go away and regenerate their male sex chemicals by watching sports and staring at the mid-distance during the commercials.
1. He needs oxygen, so climb off his face for a minute so he can get some.
There. See? All better. Now you have been given a rare and unique insight into the world of heteronormative relationships, the main thing is DON’T PANIC. Just relax and enjoy the magical ride of “What will that lovable scamp I have given my heart, soul, and cockle(s) think of next – who knows because men don’t talk much” and get yourself a life there, missy.Got more reasons? Let’s hear ’em…