So many things are taken for granted before having kids- like time, sleep, and an intact perineum. Consider this the greatest ever baby gift, best of all, there’s nowhere to register- because you already are. For life. Here’s to saving some attention/love/time for the one who will (hopefully) still be there when, 18 years from now, that baby stomps out one final time on size 10+ feet, slamming the door behind them so you can finally do it in peace…
1. Breathe. You are a hero. Do you hear me? A hero. The fact that you walk, upright and unfettered, without knuckles dragging on the ground after either opening your womb like a precious flower to expel a pollenated babe, or while nurturing said infant with endless coos, rocking, and loops of white noise. (Why do babies prefer white noise? Because they’re racist.) Whether you were the birther or not, you deserve the maddest kind of props, and sometimes reminders to take in oxygen. Things just got very, very real.
2. Recover Physically. Things they don’t tell you about having a baby- physically you might never be the same. The good news is you might actually be better. Today however, is not that day. Today you are a wild animal lying on the forest floor and licking your primal wounds. You are not ready to lick anyone else’s, primal or otherwise.
3. Trust Time. You are not the mewling kitten you once were and yet you are a Goddess/Norse God in charge of a hungry, squawking beak you will fight to the death to protect. Heady stuff, a lot to digest, and so this could take a minute. You must now utilize all your energy to continue to take care of yourself, and let go of the timeline. Ya waited 10 months for a baby (look it up) and maybe more (surrogacy, IVF, finding a baby on the Nile River etc.) so you know you are patient enough to wait to get laid. A caretaker/caretakee relationship is far more important right now, and hopefully you can, at least somewhat, take turns. (Not you and the baby. You and your partner. Your baby can’t give you a back rub, its fingers are still all clenched.)
4. Surrender Dorothy. Around about now you might be looking around for your sex mojo, like an endless game of “where the fuck is Waldo already, that prick was hounding me for 20 years before this and now he’s behind an ottoman or something.” One or both of you might either be not horny AT ALL, or unreasonably so, just not at the same time. All of it is completely normal and mostly an indicator of whether you sexualize stress or feelings or panic, more than how you feel about each other. It’s also nature’s way of making sure you don’t roll over and copulate on an infant. I promise you will live to fuck Waldo another day…
5. Pay Attention. Like, the closest you’ve ever paid in your life: to your own body and your co-parent’s (your cock or his/hers.) Now is the time to be very honest about squinky things not often discussed (Freaked out from watching someone go through the rigors of birth? Worried about all the bits that have come apart coming back together? Feeing psychotic?) Dealing with these things internally and/or with empathic listeners is key. The good news is, when you have endured sleeplessness, agitation, and a kind of trauma only made worthwhile by powdery wonders hitherto un-smelled, you are bonded together as never before. Now is not the time for shameful secrets – make like your baby and spit it!
6. Find Yourself/Masturbate. The requisite time has passed and you are either no longer sitting on a donut, off the pain pills, or completely addicted to them even though your staples came out months ago. It helps to drop all your preconceptions about what you used to be into or who you once were, and accept exactly where you are right at this moment. Are you ready to welcome the arrival of your new, improved sexuality? You can make finding yourself a together activity! Rub your rawness, jack off ’til you jizz, it’s time for Maternal Masturbation Mazel Tov!
7. Redefine Sex. Before you get back on the proverbial stallion, consider that there are many things that count as sex, so long as they are in the realm of connection in the physical, emotional and spiritual. Do not delay- the longer you build it up in your mind, the more difficult it will be to start. Do not be attached to copulation as the immediate and ultimate goal, and MAKE TIME- even if it’s for hours of pinky touching, eyeball staring, and rubbing necks. Baby can’t see you anyway, you might as well get subtly filthy while the little bugger is still portable enough to face in the other direction. Shit already got twisted, why not take that into bed?
8. Nike. (Do it.) All of it. The more awkward and messy the better. Feel your wretched tiredness/panic and channel it into holding onto the one person who has just been through the same POW camp/ecstatic joy you have. (The baby can cry it out JUST THAT ONE TIME.) Whether it’s heteronormative penetration, shared fetishes, or something that doesn’t have its own porn tag word yet, whatever counted as sex for you before, will be again. It’s time to invest that energy back into your teammate and release the good chemicals that make everyone a winner!
9. Communicate Somatically. Hold hands, nuzzle, and feel yourself in your body as you discuss the weird shit you’re feeling. (Cum looks just like baby barf, just me?) These moments are an opportunity to circulate energy to include the sexual, even if you don’t inherently feel like that’s where it should go. If you do not draw closer now, the road ahead is perilous. Do not join the ranks of sexless marriages– the fork is here, do not focus on cellulite and other stupid things- your baby needs you to fuck. Do not let that baby down.
10. Repeat. As someone who has two kids less than a year apart, you know I radically took #1-9 as far as they could go. However a word of caution- do not skip any steps for subsequent children or before you know it, it’s life at the Casa Del Divorcé(e)and lugging sports equipment/ballet gear/your hopes and dreams between houses every other weekend. Remember to be a PYLF- Parent You’d Like To Fuck, and all shall be well! After all a family who fucks together… Never mind, that came out wrong. Need more guidance? Inquire about a sexual intuitive session to get you in touch with your new sexuality after having kids HERE.