10 Sex Tips That Could Save Your Marriage

Hindsight is a funny old bitch, isn’t she? Not a fan frankly. Always late to the party, always gloating about how good her eyesight is now all 20/20 and shit, like she got Lasik while she should have been explaining things to you in the moment you needed them. Looking at old photos can just about kill you sometimes, even if you know you’re being nostalgic, wistful and downright misguided. I often wish that Me Now, could have visited Me Then, so perhaps Me Now can just visit You Now, so you can at the very least make some informed choices…

1. Your Partner Is Not The Keeper Of Your Sexuality- They do not keep your eroticism or your genitals in a box, which they take with them, or store in a Pyrex jar until they’re ready to use. Your sexual/sensual relationship is primarily with yourself, and it is your responsibility to engage with yourself on that level, not just expect someone else to ignite you.
2. Never Give Up Asking For What You Want– Both in and out of bed, even if you feel like you’re hoarse and they’re still doing that weird spider-hand move you don’t like, keep being honest, direct and authentic about your desires and, unless you’re being abused, don’t just take your marbles and [leave] home.
3. Figure Out What You’re Into– Even if you think you already know. Keep exploring all your turn-ons fearlessly with yourself (Pumpkin Enemas? Maybe!!!) If you don’t know about your own proclivities and hot buttons, you can’t resent them for not figuring it out.
4. Sex Can Solve Everything– Sometimes the very, very best way to resolve a conflict in a relationship is to have a physical cathartic experience together, and I don’t mean water rafting (though of course you could totally fuck on a water raft too.)
5. Looks Don’t Matter– Whether everyone’s looks are “fading” over the cruel passage of the clawed hand of time (that cunt) love and attraction are far deeper than flesh migrating to incorrect locations.
6. Appearances Don’t Matter- It doesn’t matter what your relationship looks like to other people from the outside, only you know the experience of how you feel. Seeking validation (sexual or otherwise) outside your relationship is a one-stop shop to Emptyville. In fact, you’re supposed to validate yourself, quite apart from your relationship (I know, gee willikers, but nobody told me.)
7. Having Kids Will Ruin A Relationship– If you’re not really, really careful, those little bundles of joy/oozing liquids can be profoundly unsexy – don’t let them be. Beyond having “date nights” (we did that, we’re not stupid) work on recognizing the poetry and eroticism in motherhood specifically. (This might be a good time to start employing the word “Daddy” in increasingly creative ways.)
8. See Yourself And Play With Yourself– that way you’re not waiting for someone else to either “see” or fondle your deepest self, and not just in the sexual sense. You can cum more from a place of desire instead of neediness, though need can be good too.
9. There Are No Dealbreakers- Even if he or she can no longer get his/her dick up (gender is complicated, deal with it) as long as you’re actively working on maintaining an intimate, physical relationship, all difficulties can be surmounted.
10. Hindsight Would Not Help A Thing– Could these things have helped? Yes, but one can never know for sure. How do we know a marriage was supposed to end? Because it ended. Whether or not we are happy about choices we’ve made in relationships or ways we’ve been “victimized,” there’s no doubt that things happen the way they’re meant to because they happened as they did. If you needed proof- that is always the proof. You’re not together because you’re not together, or you’re still married because you are. Capiche? But remember you were always destined to live and bang another day…IMG_9421Want to connect sexually on a deeper level in your marriage/relationship/rando-hook-up? If you’re in the LA area, I will be imparting some more cool info HERE.


  1. […] A long time ago, during the freeform section of my wedding vows, I used the phrase “I just hope one day I can learn to love myself, as much as I love you.” I blubbered at the time, as well I should have. Would I go back and tell that 26 year-old girl-bride that she may not be ready to get married because she hadn’t reaced perfect self-acceptance? Of course not. (Though I might tell her a few other things…) […]

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