Can you believe it’s that Lunar time of year again? The dawning of the good old month of Tishrei in this, the Year 5777. And now, from a lapsed Hebette, here comes the most sacrilegious screed to come into being since the New Testament. You see, I am more concerned with a different kind of blowing of the Shofar, and as such have been castigated by my own brethren, but praised by those who understand these things, namely Gentiles Who Have A Thing For Jewish Chicks.
If you are one of these aficionados, then you are already at half-mast, aware of the potent charms of your Levitican Princess. You see Jewish Women, while having a reputation as being demanding, strong-willed and even downright Dominating, are also a sapiosexual’s delight. Our steel-trap intellect is almost as valued as our steel-trap Gefilte fish *euphemism.
I am not talking about Orthodox women here, although I confess I almost was one. Nowadays I am just happy there are those dedicated to helping them understand themselves. When married, I was much more of a practicing Jew, on the way to being Kosher, and even engaging in the ancient spiritual Mikvah, or ritual bath, with its periods of monthly abstinence to increase fertility. It turned out the fertility was fine, but the waiting didn’t do much for my mental stability.
Before that, in childhood, I was shipped off to Lebavitche Jewish day school because they gave discounted fees for Russian immigrants, so when I talk about sluts emerging from an Orthodox environment, I know of which I speak (and by sluts I mean unabashed sexual participators, neither indiscriminate nor random, and certainly supportive of our slutty sisters.) You can be a slut for just one person, Shulamit.
Like our good friends the Catholic girls, all that repression seemed to bring out our inner whore. It was when I first moved to New York City that I saw this deliciously earthy, untrammeled species of Deborah, mixing with the Upper West Side Deborah with her soldiering devotion to finding a husband before the eggs dried up. And some of these Deborahs were one and the same!
Those in the know, apparently, know that the Jewish bitches like it hot, and equally as often, kinky. Gone are the jokes about J.A.P.s refusing to swallow the Charoset, even if you look at the Old Testament you can’t beat a Jewish woman’s ability to wield their sexuality to get results.
The great matriarch Sarah got it on with Abraham at age 99 (because the Old Testament LITERALLY HAPPENED) even if it was in service of procreation. If the whole Torah is a metaphor, Eve, Delilah, Rachel, Leah et al. certainly showed us how it was done with forbidden eating of fruit, cutting off a man’s hair to take his strength and sister rivalry/actual polygamy/verging on a threesome. These Jewesses did not go (come?) quietly. And despite the condemnation of prostitution, there are enough references to know that some of these Old Testament whores lay down with errbody.
My greatest surprise about growing up to be a Jewish mother is turning out to be so good at sex, and so awful at parenting. For there is a cliché about my ilk and our ability to keep the Challah-braid oven fires burning; we’re supposed to be nurturing, over-protective and conservative parents. I am almost neither and certainly not domestic. (I approach even cleaning the kitchen with the grim determination of someone facing the Camps.) My enthusiasm for the bed, on the other hand, is downright devotional.
Like the Jewish matriarchs of old, I can be fiercely protective, but then so can all those WASPy bitches in the PTA. As someone who left a Jew to mess with increasingly perverted Gentiles, I may as well have a scarlet Aleph on my Martin Marghiela winter coat. How dare I indulge in the sins of the flesh when I had a husband who DIDN’T BEAT ME? Sigh. If only he had…
“Well, I was good at pampering,” he bragged at the signing of our mediation agreement.
To which I was forced to reply drily, “I am not aroused by pampering.”
Here my birth religion backs me up, stating that if a Jewish husband does not sexually fulfill his wife she has the right to divorce him! Even though it is considered procreative sex, the Torah does not quibble; the Jewish husband should be able to read so much as a glimmer of desire from his beloved. Do not mess around with the Jewish woman’s libido, it says, or pay the ultimate price and be cast out to date younger Shikses forever more (maybe not that much of a punishment, but still.)
“Jewish redheads” is a porn tag word, Erica Jong was the original horny J.A.P., and a less scientific study lets me know that most men I have been with since my divorce appreciate the benefits of the zaftig or otherwise, fuzzy-haired, smart-mouthed Jew broad. It’s not that we don’t believe in Hell, and so can be filthy with the impunity of the Chosen. It’s that we know for a fact God is watching when we’re doing those dirty things and we kinda like it.
If being spoiled is your thing, by all means go for the Jewish man, whose reputation is for treating his woman like gold. Certainly my good friend Annabelle* who blurted out the Shofar-blowing reference I made earlier at a recent lunch, is betting on a nice Jewish man to give her the marriage fantasy she’s always wanted. My classy Annabelle is now studying to transition from lifelong (Kosher) Catholic to Orthodox Jew. This evening she even texted me “L’Shanah Tovah,” the Jewish greeting for the New Year, to which I could only think to myself, “I just hope she’s slutty enough…”
*name changed to protect a future lady in a wig.