If Brangelina Can’t Make It, How Can We?

Regardless of your judgments about Brad and Angelina’s nefarious beginnings (him still being married to America’s sweetheart and all) their chemistry was undeniable. Brad and Gwyneth had some of it, and before that Brad and Thandie, and even Brad and Juliette Lewis had it (Brewis?) culturally appropriated cornrows notwithstanding. I once stood inches away from Brad and Jen at the Emmys, at the height of their pap-driven romance, and believe me when I tell you they didn’t have it. So for Hecuba’s sake, what is it that’s needed to keep a sexual relationship afloat?

I will tell you what helps: Heat. Closeness. The sense when you see a couple and know they are going home and peeling off their award show clothes/elbow patched blazers/ diner uniforms to fuck. Except that most people think if you’re that attracted to someone, you should turn and run in the other direction because it can only mean trouble *Strong disagree.

Everyone who says you want to “marry your best friend” may be a little misguided. In fact you marry someone you have chemistry with, so that by the time you are seeing them with human spit-up in their hair and exhaustion in their rapidly falling arches, you will still somehow find them hot enough to bear through the physical unpleasantries of life. It is energy that attracts people, it cannot be explained psychologically; otherwise we would all be attracted to people who are good for us on paper.

Who you marry (or choose to be in a long partnership with) may be your closest ally and confidante, but beware of calling someone your “best friend” – because you don’t fuck your best friend. What the Jolie-Pitts had, which makes their split disappointing, was ALL OF IT. Their flirting on the Mr. and Mrs. Smith set was legendary, they were partners with common causes and a commitment to family, which Pitt demonstrated by immediately adopting Jolie’s son, whom she was raising as a[n albeit rich] single mom. They also had sex that scorched the sheets, which we could tell even without it being eagerly leaked by hotel employees to TMZ.

Of course people judged Angelina so much more harshly than Brad – even though keep in mind that at the time they got together, Angie wasn’t actually married to Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie never once took a vow to love, honor and protect Jennifer Anniston, nor even to remain faithful to her. Yet despite being painted as the homewrecking femme fatale, old Ange still managed to be one of the few stratosphere-successful female action stars, when not donning a flack jacket to travel to war zones for U.N. humanitarian efforts, directing message motion pictures and raising adopted children, in addition to the twins plus one she casually managed to give birth to. Oh, did I mention the whole cancer survivor thing?

Here are some things that end marriages in mortals who might, in their lifetimes, be lucky enough to finance a really good lawnmower:
1. Kids.
2. Complacency.
3. Alcoholism.
4. Abuse
5. Money. (Broken lawnmowers.)
6. In-laws.
7. Lack of willingness to compromise.
8. Withering away of erotic chemistry.

Six of #1. later, and possible also with some element of #3. and sadly even #4. and though they don’t have to worry about #5., sometimes a private jet can be just as much of a rage trap as a kid-filled car with broken air conditioning driving through Barstow on the way to Vegas to win back the mortgage payment you lost betting on the Golden State Warriors to win the championship. Turns out a child can dismantle a parent in any environment and differences in parenting styles are felt even when you can afford to give each of said children a dedicated other (non-exhausted) person to take care of their needs. Who knew?

This fantastic love affair exploded in a very un-Gwynethy way – not so much cute-uncoupling, as let’s-staunch-the-bleeding-limb-by-cutting-it-off-with-an-ax. Of course trolls and couch commentators emboldened by the internet are thrilled to see such a hot romance explode with the passion in which it was conceived. But sometimes this is because these Schadenfreudians are justifying staying in marriages where the passion has died years and even decades before. Sorry, but dutifully trudging through milestones with someone you are neutral towards or even despise is not aspirational.

Staying in a relationship consciously is a feat, and so is leaving consciously. Neither choice is for pussies, nor for anyone else to judge (or grab.) And yet I still believe…

Despite the smugness that greets the death of this romance, I know that passion can survive and thrive, because I see it all the time in people who have weathered lifetimes of strife together. If anything, Brangiegate should prove to us once and for all that mere physical circumstances cannot keep a union together if the energy has gone awry. And that for every woman, it’s always possible that somewhere out there, there is a Justin Theroux…

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Has the sexual chemistry train gone off the tracks in your relationship? It doesn’t have to be over! Email me now to see if a Sexual Intuitive® session can guide you towards getting your needs met. (If only Brad and Angie had…)

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