The Myth of the Alpha Male

If one more dating coach tries to teach guys to pick up women by using “tricks” to make them seem more Alpha, I will… well, actually I won’t do anything. There’s one born every minute, and if you as a grown man want to plunk down your hard-earned currency to be taught that a “booming voice” and “pointing your feet away from people to dominate them” is going to get you pussy, then have at it. The problem is, as soon as you fuck us, we’re going to know. You can’t fake the fuck, Frank.

The Alpha, Beta and Omega categories are starting to become tired as psychological tropes, though to some people the hierarchy itself has become it’s own kink. The toxic overflow of the Alpha mentality is a result of generations of those American men taught they shouldn’t cry or be emotional, and that if they go after what they want with ruthless aggression, they are entitled to have it. Unfortunately when you apply this philosophy to women, what you get are rage, assault and Donald Trump.

The rejected so-called Alpha male can be seen stomping his feet because the girl he wanted wouldn’t fuck him, or wasn’t willing any longer to put up with his bullshit. In fact, a real Alpha, in male or female form, is secure, confident, and able to function independently within the context of either a group or a partnership. A true Alpha would never shoot someone who didn’t want to be with them, because being with someone who didn’t want to be with you would not be a win. And if there’s one thing we like, it’s to win.

I have given the Alpha thing a lot of thought, as a woman who presents Alpha but is not that way across the board, as most people are not. I have long been fascinated with how dominant people are in life, career, and friendships vs. how Dominant they are in bed. Most people are not one thing, moreover they are usually a huge mass of contradictions, and being able to rule the boardroom can have little to do with whether someone even wants to rule the bedroom.

This is one of the reasons the Alpha label has become a little redundant, because evolving gender energies in relationships have made it so. For example, there are people that want to be with someone who is extremely nurturing, co-operative, and quick to compromise, and still want to be fucked Dominantly. Likewise there are people the world would deem Alpha that, in their off hours, want to crawl around on the floor wearing frilly underwear. And even though it seems like things used to be clearer, unexplained desires have always been there, it’s just that people were more socially and economically trapped into not being able to fulfill them.

In the last couple of years we were introduced to the Man Bun as love object, followed by an unbelievably vitriolic backlash. I have read comments on the internet by men and women alike saying dudes with Man Buns should be killed. Killed, for a tuft of hair. The Man Bun has become coded language for everything old-guard “Alpha” males (who are actually too pussy to feel their feelings or respect women) see as wrong with the current crop of men.

Apparently “manbun” is short for “millenial hipster Beta homo that doesn’t know the value of the dollar,” never mind that many ambitious, successful men have chosen this hairstyle because they can wear their hair however they GD please and also might well be Dominant in bed. Women though long judged for our  appearance, condemn Man Buns just as harshly, as it becomes some kind of hirsute lightning rod for their own disappointment in flaky dudes. Regardless, everybody needs to just relax.

There are so many permutations of sexuality and assuming that a woman feels “safer” or “more taken care of” with an Alpha is simply a fallacy. For one thing many of us ladies have jobs and lives and therapists, and can take care of ourselves. But wanting to be Dominated in the sack, or even consensually Used, Degraded, or Violated, is a different matter. Too many people stay in relationships that are not supporting them because they don’t understand that they are trying to meet a sexual need non-sexually.

More important than being an Alpha Male, or in the case of the bullshit sold to us as “a feminine woman,” is developing the intuition to understand what you crave, both in and out of bed, and stop arguing yourself about it. With enough authenticity and communication, it is possible to get our needs met without having to slot into a category developed by anthropologists to explain the behavior of Primates in the wild. We humans, with notable exceptions, are supposedly much more evolved than that.

Alexander Gardner/U.S. Library of Congress via Getty Images/Pedro Fequiere/BuzzFeed

Need help tapping into your own sexual intuition? Email me now to see if a Sexual Intuitive® session might be right for you. (Man Bun not included.)

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