If only us sensual souls weren’t stuck in these pesky human bodies with their stressful jobs, money issues and children aka Ultimate Cockblockers, we might all be fornicatin’ right now instead of reading this. Here are the most common reasons we’re not even doing the nice, let alone the nasty:
“I love him/her, we are great partners, great co-parents, great friends, but we haven’t had sex in a year.”
I hear this story DAILY – waning intimacy, infrequent sex or downright cessation of all things nooky-related. While many people don’t seem too perturbed by the best-friendish tone of their relationship, I would encourage them not to trivialize it. When one or both people have given up on getting their sexual needs met in a relationship, this can signal the beginning of the end.
“After I had kids, I stopped feeling sexy.”
Hormonal changes, exhaustion, Post Partum Depression (or in some cases PTSD) all factor in to women feeling less like powerful Kali rising up from scorched earth, and more just scorched. Likewise, lack of sleep, headspace and free time can leave male partners feeling a little crispy. Sometimes sex seems like another item on an already crowded To Do list, like “Really? And in addition to all that, you want me to do WHAT?”
“I don’t like my body anymore.”
One of the saddest things on earth is when women don’t feel good about putting on weight and use this as a predicator of sexual activity, as if only Size 6 Instagram models are worthy of sexual enjoyment! Increasingly, it is not just women who feel that way – men are also susceptible to the “I feel fat” trap. On the plus side (ha get it?) it is possible to learn how to leave those body issues out of the bed in service of intimacy, knowing they can be right there to pick back up, like an ill-fitting pair of culottes.
“I don’t like my partner anymore.”
While you may still tolerate each other (and think no one can tell that that’s all you’re doing) why would you want to fuck someone you don’t like? Sexual anorexia (sexorexia?) can be a sign there are other issues in the relationship, but if you start working on those today, not only might you re-spark your sex life, but also avoid any jail time (in case mild dislike morphs into psychotic rage.)
“I have an STI/STD and every time it flares up I want to lock my genitals in a vault, cover the vault with locked chains and push it all off a bridge into the ocean.”
This is where I hit ya with some statistics – in the United States alone there are 20 Million new sexually transmitted diseases every year – including HSV, HPV and STI’s like Chlamydia and Trichomoniasis. 79% of people currently have HPV, with as many as 14 million new infections a year. Knowing this, there should be a country called “Herpes Land” with its own flag and constitution, or “HPV County- You May Already Have Won.” While this hasn’t happened yet, there are dating sites for people to find their people. Try to remember STD’s and STI’s are not a punishment, the same way getting the flu is not retribution for the sin of shaking hands.
So what is the #1 Reason people stop having sex?
Even in the case of that perfectly functional partnership (married or otherwise) that has turned into a roommate situation, unless both people started with an agreement of mutual asexuality, someone along the way “took their marbles and went home” and it was likely a response to something that happened in the day-to-day that is now being used as payback in the sexual arena.
There can be many kinds of betrayal in a relationship, not just the cheating kind. Sometimes just feeling as if someone is not paying enough attention or appreciating you can cause your sexy places to wilt, even unconsciously. It’s incredible how quickly a “You don’t buy me flowers anymore” can become hard wired into “Fuck you I’m not fucking you.”
Just as often, the RESENTMENT is against oneself. No less insidious than the other and sometimes even more so, it can be painful and difficult to overcome feelings of shame that originate from within. If you’re mad at yourself about your physical circumstances it can take up the energy needed to make that million-mile-wide journey towards the other side of the bed, or even to the side-table where the happy grown-up toys live.
The good news is, the opportunity exists to regain your relationship with yourself- your body, your sensuality, your blueprint for what you find sexy. When we are not in tune with what we like, or able to communicate about that spot behind the knee that sends us into ecstasy, how reasonable is it to expect someone else to fumble around trying to find the ON switch?
Believe it or not, sex can be a true magic bullet to restore goodwill, provided the chemistry was there at the start. I call this “humping to get over the hump,” and can’t count the number of times I told a girlfriend to go home and give her husband a blowjob to hear that the relationship had since *magically* improved. So if you can drop the resentment, even for half an hour, it might be the beginning of a brand new beginning. And don’t we all deserve one of those?
Need help finding the ON Switch, or whisking away those sexorexic cobwebs? Email me now to see if a Sexual Intuitive® session might be right for you.