Tell me if you know this girl: she struggles to maintain a relationship with one asshole after another. She admits to you, either at the time or belatedly, that he is/was treating her badly, then sighs and stays for more. She is the real-life Carrie who not only never got to marry Big, but followed him into a pit of hopelessness, addiction, or worse, pretending to like Coldplay.
She chases him- a sucker for more ill treatment – the “sex is great,” she says, yet she can’t fully rejoice because soon afterwards she knows the shame will set in. She is reinforcing her poor esteem every time she touches his forbidden [dangling] fruits. Until the next fruit platter comes along and you watch her reach for it all over again. When the break-up happens, she is, as usual blindsided, but you already have the sad face emoji cued up.
Or how about this guy – he’s sweet, he’s kind, he can string a sentence together and is not unattractive, yet here he is with a Mean Girl. She emasculates, derides, and toys with him yet he is as pressured to stay as an American at a Black Friday sale.
“The sex is great,” he defends, or maybe she has never deigned to give him any. Regardless, he flogs his own dead horse, even if she is a cute filly, it’s long after the cows have come home. He doesn’t know why he needs this- wait, he has to go, he hears a distant neigh…
If only these two people could find each other, you think. Nah. There would be no heat, right?
The propensity to pick the “wrong people” to start relationships with is known in Twelve Step, therapy and other self-help circles as having a Bad Picker, or as the more optimistic Broken Picker, implying that it can be “fixed.” Though it seems like we are selecting mates and being selected, even in swiping or being swiped, in spiritual terms we do not “pick” and “discard” humans like bruised peaches.
What we do is vibrate to a certain energy and, like a tuning fork, we draw to us a soul that matches that polarity perfectly. You vibrate to “I’m A Piece of Shit Who Deserves Nothing” and you’ll be sure to attract “Hi I’m Jackie Shit, can’t wait to treat you like same.” However, all this time we have been urged to love ourselves, which is a great process to be in for sure, more important, however, is knowing ourselves and what we really want.
The truth is we get only as much love as we think we deserve. Sometimes the first step is to admit that WE LIKE IT THIS WAY. Maybe we are sexually aroused by meanness? Maybe we got a little turned on by Faye Dunaway in “Mommie Dearest” and we don’t know why. Admitting what we did to CHOOSE the situation, or to stay in it, is key. To recall that we paid for that ugly Christmas sweater on Black Friday, that’s why we’re wearing it.
Yes, you may have had a Bad Picker in the past, but neuroplasticity tells us that all patterns can be rewired in the brain over time. It’s science, and the truth is that nothing was broken to begin with, only a completely perfect part of the lesson which is Zen AF but true. Even if we think we can’t leave “the best sex ever” it’s only the best until we’re willing to take off the blinders and the feedbag, and step away from the cattle prod. There. Much sexier, don’t you think?
So how this works is that you’re either single or enjoying having someone to eat Mac and Cheese with while you binge watch Amazon Prime trying to ignore their awful bits. And now, with molten cheddar still dripping out of your mouth, ask yourself this:
WHAT AM I GETTING OUT OF KEEPING THINGS THIS WAY?
The honesty that is required to truly answer this question is the reason why humans will stay in abusive or passionless or defunct relationships for DECADES. Most people are just not willing to wrestle with themselves enough to become fully conscious of how their decisions are impacting them, not to mention their friends, families and Twitter feeds. What are you getting out of being consistently ignored/rejected/abused/mistreated/misunderstood/starved/other-awful-soul-killing-thing? What is the WIN?
Are we just luxuriating in our “rightness” about that whole “piece of shit” piece from earlier? And knowing that, might we be willing to pry our cold, aching fingers off that carcass and consider that We Are All Divine Beings Worthy Of A Divine Experience With Other Divine Beings In The Way That Is Most Divine For Us?
Breathe. Can you feel what is happening in your body when you read that sentence, the one about the Divine stuff? Is there a tightening of the stomach? Did the asshole contract? Is your head shaking “No?” Just noticing sets us on our way to “Why Yes, I Am That Divine Being Worthy Of A Divine Experience With Other Divine Beings In The Way That Is Most Divine For Me.” (Also, kissing.)
Only if we are willing to be BRUTALLY honest with ourselves about every single thing we crave will we understand that modeling misery to our children is not staying in a relationship “for their sakes,” but the opposite. If we have no kids, but months and years of skin in the This Is The Best I Can Do game, then at any moment we can each decide to take a stand for radically more…
Need help fixing your picker or figuring out it was never broken? Email me now to see if a Sexual Intuitive® Session is what’s next for you.