“Does My Bisexual Fantasy Mean I’m Gay?”

Hi Susanna,

I have a bisexual fantasy that really turns me on, but my girlfriend thinks I must be gay. I try to explain to her that it is just a fantasy and I don’t want to actually do it. Please give me some advice?


Hi Confused,

Sexual fantasies crop up in our psyches for many reasons, not all of them sexual. For example, you could be having a craving for something as simple as being close to other men, or getting in touch with your own “masculine side”- whatever that means to you. Sometimes a sexual fantasy can be a wonderful way to get those needs met without necessarily having to act it out, although it may be something that you decide you need to experience in the future. Our soul needs are odd that way; they don’t give us all the information until we’re ready to receive it- sometimes just a mental pastiche of penis pics and whatnot…

We used to think in a very cut and dried way when it came to men desiring other men, and I would encourage your girlfriend to start to read up about a more “non-binary” view of sexuality. Even Kinsey  established the scale as early as the 1940’s (intended as a guide based on sexual history, not as a Buzzfeed quiz) to give people an idea of where they fall when it comes to the bisexuality we all innately (even Mike Pence) possess. Even those who believe themselves to be “straight as an arrow” have been proven to have those tendencies, whether they choose to repress them or not, and the latest studies have further shown that homophobic people are more aroused when exposed to homosexual images, again, whether they want to believe that or not.

What is most difficult to understand sometimes is that it is not the physical acts that arouse us, but the energy behind them. For example, you do not go into detail about the nature of your bisexual fantasy. Does it involve a “cuck” scenario, where a guy fucks your girlfriend and then you get involved at the end by “cleaning him up” or “cleaning him out of her?” Do you fantasize about giving a guy a blowjob, or getting anally penetrated, or does the thought of getting a blowjob from an anonymous man turn you on? Is it a specific guy, does he have a certain build or look, or is it not important to the fantasy? Most importantly, can you allow yourself the freedom to think about these things without assuming it “means something” about your sexuality or gender identity?

What you can start to unravel for yourself is whether there is a NEED that is not being met for you, both in yourself and therefore in your relationship, that may not be specifically for MM sex. The need might be to Dominate, or be Dominated, to be nurtured by your own male energy, or maybe you just get off thinking about this because it is “taboo” to you and that’s okay, too. We like what we like, dude, it’s fine. I would suggest that the most elemental need you have that is not being met right now is the dignity and joy of exploring your sexuality, kinks and all, without the fear of judgment or categorization. In a world that may soon get even less tolerant, the least we can do is to give that to ourselves.



ask-a-sexual-intuitive-fullDo you have questions about your sexuality that you would like to explore in a completely non-judgmental environment? Susanna Brisk is a Sexual Intuitive® who coaches individuals and couples to discover what they like, what they need, and how to get it. Email me your sex question NOW, or to see if working with a Sexual Intuitive® is what’s next for you.

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