You’ve heard of The 5 Love Languages, but some of us need a system that encompasses the greatest love demonstrator of all aka The Boning. Here are the Sex Personalities, from least enthusiastic to most, including CBB‘s (Could Be Betters) for each one, because who loves you baby? You may have decided which one you are, but which one are you going to choose to be in the coming year?
1. Android – You’re fine with sex, as long as it doesn’t come with a side of intimacy ew messy you can leave that for those sappy Lifetime movies thank you very much. Not only are you repulsed by the reality of closeness, just the idea of it may keep you from getting into any kind of entanglements for years at a time. Some people call this the sex -addiction/-anorexia paradox, I call it compulsive vs. sexorexic, and hopefully you can call it “A relic of 2016.” (If you’re in a relationship, there is a small chance your partner is getting tired of having sex with a robot, unless robot sex is their thing in which case don’t change a thing…)
• Could Be Better: Thaw out your heart Splooge Scrooge, I promise you there’s gold between them there ears, not just the legs. Engaging fully with another person’s mind and heart can’t be beat for the hottest shenanigans ever, so consider working through whatever scarred you to a more emotionally and spiritually connected year.
2. Dutiful – Sure you’ll do it, but only so you can check it off the list under “Need more paper towels” and “ConEd bill.” It’s not that you don’t enjoy sex exactly, it’s that you’ve never quite understood what all the fuss is about. You will fulfill your duties with nary a peep, but even the most impartial observer would be able to observe how impartial you are.
• CBB: Just like ConEd, your sexual energy is a complex system that can shut off if not tended to on time. Not understanding what turns you on not only denies you something marvelous, but also might put too much onus on someone else to figure out what stokes your love-stove aka Having To Beg For Sex.
3. Coaxer – If you’ve ever said “No” coyly when you meant yes, the politically correct movement would collectively roll their eyes. Of course consent is paramount, but what about those who even after years in a relationship have a “quirk” that requires a little obstacle from their partner to keep things hot? An example of this might be the way some women [still] need to pretend they don’t want sex as much as men do, and some men need those women to pretend so they can feel like they are such brilliant salesmen/lovers/gentlemen that they can make her “cave.”
• CBB: It’s a bit of a sham, but if you’re aware that that’s what floats your boat, why worry? There’s nothing wrong with a pattern of desire if it involves no blame or resentment, and two or more consenting adults.
4. Quokka – The Quokka is a western Australian land mammal commonly believed to be the happiest animal on earth. And if you are a Quokka Sex Personality (QSP) all your bed partners know it because your enthusiasm for all things sexual is palpable, even without a tail to wag. Quokkas are just “happy to be nominated,” will accept any or all amounts of affection, and understand that the fluctuations of drive and opportunity are natural with time.
• CBB: Just as the Quokka’s friendly nature is contributing to its extinction as it doesn’t understand how to stay away from dangerous predators, so you might be careful getting attached to every rando that throws you a sex bone. Make this the year you dig deep and are not afraid to ask to fulfill that obscure [dressing up in a Quokka suit] fetish.
5. Insatiable- You can’t get enough and historically it may have been a problem, but most people are envious of your openness and magical ability to wield sexual energy for good (unless you’re evil- then that should be your first CBB – Be Less Evil.) If you’re a woman, you are supposedly the quintessential male fantasy (Always DTF? She’s a keeper) but the reality might be a little more intimidating. If a woman is as horny as you are, does it mean she might cheat if you’re not around? (Um, no, but that is one prevailing theory. In fact a well-fucked woman has statistically been shown to stick around through all manner of bullshit.) If you’re a male Insatiable you may have sighed and accepted that you will always be starving.
• CBB: If you are single, why not find someone who is similarly “fuck motivated” and be a success story of matching high sex drives! Just go ahead and state it in your OKCupid profile, don’t be shy! If you’re in a relationship, resolve to go deeper into understanding what needs your partner has that they may or may not be expressing. If you’re committed to it, you can find their Insatiable button, and before you know it you’re getting more needs met than you ever thought possible!
Need help figuring out which Sex Personality you are, or looking to find your true sexual expression? Email me now to see if a Sexual Intuitive® session is what’s next for you.