A Little Ecstasy On Valentine’s Day

My original title for this piece was “Diddle Your Partner With The Tantriss Umie…” but somehow this seemed to trivialize the joy I experienced from using this device. Like a great relationship, it turns out the Tantriss Umie is something I had been waiting for for a long time. And like the relationship, though I hoped it existed, only once I found it did it seem that in some way it had already existed in the Universe, someone just hadn’t uncovered it yet, the way Michelangelo talked about chipping away everything from the sculpture that was not the sculpture. (Forgive me, orgasms make me get all metaphysical.)

I’ve written about many outrageous acts of masturbating with toys in the past (a Valentine’s tradition) and also more than a few sex adventures, but unfortunately have not been able to find a way to combine the two. Not that I don’t incorporate masturbating into sex (yay!) rather, sometimes adding a sex toy in the bedroom becomes about the “mechanics,” instead of the connection. And if you know me, you know I am all about the energy, less about sexy blowjob tips.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for ladies buzzing their clitorises while they’re being penetrated by a dick or dildo, and also for any device that increases the ways someone can give themselves pleasure. I have never minded the sound of a toy humming and thrumming in bed, because usually it heralded the fact that something great was about to happen for somebody. When it came to pursuing these goals in a more connected way with a partner, I was waiting for a toy that was as interactive as this one.

Partner-controlled toys have been around for some time, and I wrote about my experience with a somewhat analog version last Valentine’s Day; not to spoil it for you, but it entails me sitting in a sushi restaurant with a non-operational egg inside me. But this was different. This was WI-FI. Transmitting from the toy to an App. And guess who held the controls?

I’m not going to lie to you, the controls on the actual Tantriss Umie are not the most intuitive I’ve seen, chiefly because you have to hold the “ON” button (the top one) for 5 full seconds before it obeys (ditto to turn it off on the lowest button.) The two buttons between are also placed very close to each other, which can make it tricky when you are operating the toy for yourself and so somewhat indisposed. (Addendum: Once I gave myself a tutorial, I had no trouble having a little sex party for myself. The silicon material was soft and giving and days after the festivities had passed, I made myself my own Valentine repeatedly.)

The pre-set rhythms available on the App were put together with the input of “Tantrikas,” which is the name for a female Tantra practitioner; I picture a stable of them working around the clock in a kind of slumber party/Hanging-Gardens-of-Babylon-type environment, but that’s probably not how it works. Designed around some basic Sanskrit terms– such as Prana (life-force) Kama, (desire) and Dakini (volatile female muse) and with a powerful high rumble motor conducive to getting your Kundalini on.

Even more interesting, is the custom mode, in which not only can your partner DESIGN the pattern of the vibration by hand drawing on their smartphone, but they can control the temperature of the (waterproof) device as well. These controls can even be operated from other countries, let alone across town, an incredible application for long distance relationships when it feels like lovers will die without feeling each other’s touch. Also to use in a long-term relationship in separate rooms when feeling like you are continents away…

My hands down favorite feature (get it?) is the voice-controlled aspect of this toy. In this case, the diabolical nature of your partner can be fully expressed. Our partner’s voice is part of the arousal we feel for them and if it is a more gentle, or vanilla type of “lovemaking,” you will love having them coo you to your special Shakti Release. For those of us who enjoy a more forceful kind of “command” in the voice (as in BDSM) this toy is nothing short of incredible. An example of this would be the constant sound of someone’s voice, making the device vibrate to a fast and high-level right as they are warning you, “Don’t you dare cum…”

The limits of the Umie (pronounced like You-Me) are only those of your own imagination. Wishing you a very special Valentine’s Day and if roses and chocolates are your thing, great, but for some of us, true romance entails a little more stimulation

Yes, they gave me one, but “they” give me a lot of things. If I don’t like a toy I won’t write about it, or will write something funny without mentioning the brand. Sadly at this time, I will not get paid for your orgasms, but you can get one anyway HERE.

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