Birds don’t do it. Bees don’t either. Educated fleas certainly don’t do it. And yet so many women, educated in the birds and the bees, persist in doing it. It is a horrifying epidemic that’s been around since I first had sex with other fumbling Aussie teens and remains the one thing I have never engaged in (not even on the radio.) Many of my girlfriends were doing it as teens because they didn’t feel like continuing and didn’t want to hurt the boy’s feelings – faking an orgasm.
Dr. Ruth recently spoke at the Sexual Health Expo in Los Angeles, an event I was also lucky enough to be a part of. It was fun to see her in person, this powerhouse 4’7” lady who has been talking about sex since before I was born. She was charming, matter-of fact and pragmatic, but I had to disagree with her on one point. During her discourse Dr. Ruth mentioned that it was okay for women to fake an orgasm occasionally.
No. Never. Just please, no. Don’t do it. Why? Because while it seems expedient or “practical” it takes you further away from where you want to be – in a place where you can honor yourself and your partner enough to be able to communicate the truth. You’re already boning someone, now is not the time to suddenly get all demure like a “lady.”
The latest studies show the tragically low statistics of female orgasm amongst heterosexual women, who trail bisexual and gay women by at least 20%. It’s not enough to simply blame men for being lousy in bed. Many men would love to understand how to please their partners, even if it’s just their partner for the night. Unless they are gifted in the arts of psychic wizardry, men usually need some guidance about what turns a particular woman on at a particular moment in time. He’s neither Nostradamus nor Kreskin and if he is, you should tour him around carnivals in between having sex with him in exactly that way he always (psychically) knows you want it.
If you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to have it like a grown-up. The knocking of boots can be a wonderfully serious undertaking that leads to the deepest levels of intimacy with yourself and someone else. If your escapades feel so serious that you’re not free enough to communicate what you really want and need, they take on a portentousness that will eventually either weigh down your relationship, or kill the sex entirely. Nothing need be so locked up that it’s impossible to be honest.
Many women I have spoken to feel that it is difficult to communicate to men because they are… well, men. Hence the better orgasm statistics for lesbians; it might just be easier to tell a bitch what you want done to your pussy, seeing as she has one too. The mistake women make is in thinking that if they tell a man what they like they will somehow emasculate them. I myself once had someone I was in a long relationship with who would instantly lose his erection if I said something in the heat of passion like “pull my hair.”
What I did not at that time understand (and what I think many women don’t) is that sometimes communicating one’s desires in the bedroom need not happen in the bedroom, and probably shouldn’t. Why not schedule a date (one of those duty “date nights” that have become almost mandatory for married couples with or without kids) where you talk entirely about sex. Bookmark some porn you’ve enjoyed lately, or read a passage out of a favorite erotica book. Share a fantasy you’ve had while masturbating over the chocolate soufflé (share it over the soufflé, masturbating over the soufflé is probably impractical.)
If you are en flagrante and searching for ways to say what needs to be said in a manner that doesn’t threaten your partner’s feelings or ego, here are some suggestions of things you can say instead of faking an orgasm:
“I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight honey.”
“I think I’m too tired/anxious/preoccupied to cum.”
“That felt so good, I don’t know if I can cum though.”
“Do you mind if I make myself cum?”
“Touch me gently/slowly/roughly.”
“Let me show you what I like.”
“Like this…. Mmmm.”
“I’m going to show you how I make myself cum.”
Knowing how to communicate in a way that you can be heard is a function of how well you understand what specifically arouses your partner. The only ways to do that are to observe, pay attention and, most revolutionary, just ask. Make sounds and breathe so that they know what you like, and then reinforce verbally afterwards how much you love that thing they did. Part of the joy of being sexually mature, is learning what pleases us and with whom. Faking orgasm is like regressing to those early awkward experiences – when we were pussies about our pussies- and why would we want to live through that again?