Is there someone from your past who is catching on your psyche like a hangnail? A thorn in the paw of your otherwise-somewhat-decent life? You’re going along okay, and suddenly a stray comment or snatch of music zings your brain like a bruised funny bone (not funny.) Perhaps you have an unresolved bit of business it is inappropriate to re-visit with a particular chap/lass, not that it stops you replaying that particular scenario. Here are some hints for letting go of that pesky ex-soulmate/fantasy object to complete that sucker for yourself, even without their participation:
1. Ask yourself what you did RIGHT in the relationship? Examples could include “I allowed myself to get vulnerable, even knowing my heart might get pulverized.” Or, if it’s your very first heartbreak “I allowed myself to get vulnerable, not knowing my heart might get pulverized.” If you were kind, then you win.
2. What did they teach you? Even the most irritating people in our lives are potential teachers (Okay, I get it Idiot In A Camry, I need to be more patient). Is there something you learned from that person, that perhaps you could not learn from anyone but them, in any other time period? (e.g. The Twist in the 60’s.)
3. What could you do better in future? Did you lie, cheat, dump too much drama on their heads in your own dysfunctional version of the slime challenge? Consider the banal fact that you were really doing the best you knew how at the time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t resolve to do better. Remember that at some point before Google, we had to use Microfish, doesn’t mean we have to go back and use it now.
4. Are you better off without them or could you be? List the ways your life has improved since moving on from the relationship or the ways it could if you stepped away-more sex, more connection, more Words With Friends. If your life hasn’t improved, only you can fix that. Your ex is not your ventriloquist, so stop acting like their dummy.
5. Burn their shit. Not on the lawn in front of their house, but anything they gave you as a gift or you kept as a memento is fair game. Make sure you’re outside in low fire danger weather, or in a well-ventilated area, then go full pyro. I have burned everything from shirts to lingerie, and while this kind of witchery is not widely socially acceptable, I can assure you it works, but only if you’ve done the work on an energetic level.
6. Visualize the bond or cords between you breaking up. An excellent tool for this is in this audio download I developed, available now. I have witnessed hearts mend magically from using these metaphysical techniques.
7. Block, Mute, and Unfollow. Do not stay social media or IRL friends with someone you don’t want to be psychically connected with. Not on Twitter, Snapscope, Instafinger, or whatever other thing has sprung up since I first started writing this.
8. Send them love, or don’t. My friend and world-renowned love coach Kathryn Alice is a big proponent of wishing someone their “highest good” and AA recommends that you pray for anyone you need to forgive for 2 weeks. I have found it more effective to effect a more neutral attitude. Sometimes “sending good energy” might be a waste of yours.
9. Don’t send them hate. I have had a particularly hard time not resenting being unceremoniously dumped by some close friends a few years back – I still dream about them, and sometimes feel like I want to send a shitty email. I haven’t, and neither should you. The experiment of drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die should disproved in science class.
10. Write them a letter of completion, but don’t send it. Say all the stuff you wish you could, even the unseemly tidbits no lady or gentleman would ever deem appropriate (e.g. “You were a C-word and I don’t mean you have Character.”). You can blame and get angry all you want: Sometimes the New Age movement doesn’t give us the luxury of experiencing our anger, before we get to let it go. Once you have raged on the page, burn that thing, too, or stash it somewhere safe. And then it’s time for that peace and love, so Namaste it up. Make some space, because joy is coming…
Susanna Brisk is a Sexual Intuitive® who coaches clients and couples to get most of their needs met, most of the time worldwide on Skype and at her office in Topanga, CA. She is the bestselling author of “How to Let Laid Using Your Intuition.” Audio download: “Letting Go of Heartbreak and Obsession: To Make Room for What’s Next” is available NOW.